Final Post

So I've decided to stop this blog. It was meant to be a place for me to be able to vent my emotions in a non-harmful way, but unfortunately one of my more recent posts has upset someone else in the process, which I never meant to do.

Because of this, I'm going to create another blog for all my feelings to go to, which I will not publicise on facebook. If you wish to follow the new blog, I will send you a link (either on facebook, or to an email address - your choice). If hearing that I occasionally feel suicidal or like self-harming will upset you (not that I expect anyone to be happy or blasé about it, but if it will profoundly affect badly) then I'd advise you not to ask for the link. My blog will be where I write down all my thoughts and feelings - both good and bad.

I'm a little sad to leave this blog behind - there are posts I would like to keep, and I'm rather fond of the name - but needs must. So, goodbye from this blog. I hope life treats you well.

Depression stuff. Again.

Trigger warnings: suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts. 

Having bad thoughts again. They started with graphic self-harming thoughts, moved on to 'why not just get it all over and done with and end this?', and then when I realised that I always get through these bad times and will be 'fine' later - whether tonight, in the morning, or a few days - I felt even worse. I know I'll get through this and have to carry on with this life, and that's the thing that scares me right now. That's the thing I don't want to happen. I know I'm not going to do anything to end my life right now, and that's making me feel even worse! I'm not strong enough to actually sort something out and go through with it, so I'm going to keep feeling like I do and living this half-life thing and not feeling in the way that other people do. I just wish there was a simple solution to this problem. Depression has drained so much of my life from me, including the motivation to get on and end it.

Mixed feelings

Trigger warning - suicidal ideation, self harm.

I had a bit of a crappy week. I was on my period, and it was really messing with my hormones. I was crying most days over nothing, and just couldn't function properly some of the days. I went to see the doctor, who actually listened to how I was feeling and what I wanted, and agreed to change me over to a new antidepressant - Sertraline.

I also got a text from Azariah saying that he wanted to see me! That made me so happy, and I was really excited about meeting up with him. We went for a meal and stayed there talking for three and a half hours, just enjoying each others' company, catching up, teasing, laughing, and generally having a good time. I really just wanted to kiss him, and I told him that. He said 'ok', so I asked what he meant - was it ok to kiss him? He said he wasn't sure, so I didn't, but he'd been really warm and friendly all evening - stroking me, holding my hand, and being silly just like we used to. Saying goodbye was horrible because all I wanted to do was kiss him. As soon as I got into my car I broke down into tears over what I'd lost and how much I missed him. I suddenly just didn't feel safe anymore, and didn't want to be alive.

Driving home all I could think about was where and how I could crash so that I'd kill myself but wouldn't hurt anyone else. Fortunately I was in residential areas so that wasn't possible. I got home, and did think about driving out to the motorway to get enough speed up to kill myself, but I managed to get out of the car and go inside.

I texted a friend asking for help, and she helped me to calm down and make myself a warm drink. I tried all sorts of things to stop the feelings of needing to hurt myself - I drew lines on my arm in red pen, I drank a comforting drink, I got ready for bed, but in the end the need to get rid of these feelings outweighed the ability to listen to my healthy mind. I put on sterile latex gloves, sterilised the area, and used a sterile scalpel so that there was no chance of infection. I only cut until I could see the blood, and then did some more cuts - all in nice neat lines, because it seemed important that my scars would be neat. I then cleaned up the blood, and bandaged the cuts up securely. After that everything was calm and my brain was quiet. There was finally peace. I watched a TV show on my laptop, drank a warm drink and went to sleep.

I haven't done this in a long time, and I don't think last night is reflective of my overall mental health. This only seems to happen when I've had contact with A. I hope that at some point we'll be able to enjoy each others' company without this being the after-effect on my mood, but I know that I'm still getting better, and I'm so much better than I was when all this started.

Oasis of recovery

So I've got to a bit of a sticking point in my recovery. I seem to be able to go about my normal daily stuff - work and eating  - without much problem. I have a 6-hour gap in the middle of my work day where, try as I might, I just can't motivate myself to do anything useful, despite having things I need to do. I tend to sit around watching things on my laptop until it's time for my next work shift.

Motivation aside, I'm not doing too badly. I'm seeing friends a couple of times a week, I'm starting some clubs again and getting back into old hobbies I'd forgotten about, and can generally distract myself from any unhelpful thoughts when I'm doing things.

The trouble is when I'm not doing things, it's less easy. It's still far better than things have been in the past - it's been a few weeks since I last wanted to self-harm, and the destructive thoughts have less of a hold on me when they do turn up.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a kink party where I played with a friend. It was quite intense, rough play and was just too much for me at the time. Immediately we finished I just wanted Azariah to hold me and look after me. I missed him with an intensity that felt like my heart was trying to burst through my ribcage. It's when I feel like this that any self-harming or suicidal thoughts are really hard to get rid of. And when I feel like this, I don't want the thoughts to go away. I don't want to get better, and I don't want to get over him, because that would be like admitting that things are over. Logically I know they are, but emotionally I'm still holding out hope that at some point he'll be better and we'll be able to get back together.

I feel like a lot of the time now I'm going through the motions of life, but my feelings don't really change all that much. Everything feels pretty much the same. I can find something amusing and laugh at it, but afterwards I still feel like all my emotions are on the same level.

My emotions are a desert. Occasionally I'll enter an oasis of happiness, pass a cactus of amusement, or walk up a dune of distraction. Sometimes I'll stay in an oasis for some time, but I always know that I'm surrounded by vast desert of blandness which is my perpetual feeling. As soon as that oasis of pleasant feelings is over, it's back to never-ending sand, and I just have to keep on walking until I find the next emotional landmark. It's not like I feel bad most of the time, or empty, I just... don't really experience feelings all that much. Being with friends can give me temporary relief from this, allowing me to sit with them in their little oasis of normal human feelings, although there are times when I'm surrounded with lovely people and am still stuck in the dessert. I can see their oasis, but I'm still outside it. I do my best to enter, and sometimes it works, but other times I'm stuck outside pretending to be a tree, and instead just looking like an idiot waving my arms in the air in an attempt to share in their feelings.

Patriarchy strikes again!

So, Jacques came over today. We were having a lovely time - we'd watched TV episodes, eaten food, and then we started playing a bit. It was lots of fun, until my brain decided to remind me of Azariah and I was rather overwhelmed with feelings.

I put my hand up and asked J to hang on a minute. He asked if I was ok, and I shook my head. He immediately jumped off me, sat down beside me and just held me while I cried. There was no pressure to explain anything - he was so lovely and understanding. He told me that I should know that it was always ok to stop if I was feeling bad, (or for any reason) and it was equally fine not to start anything.

I surprised myself by being pleasantly surprised at his reaction. I still don't expect people to actually stop like that when I ask them them to - I expect them to slow down, to stop but stay where they are waiting for us to be able to carry on, or other alternatives that aren't simply stopping.

I was shocked at how internalised societal ideas can become - I'd internalised the idea that my 'no' will not be listened to first time, that I will have to repeat it, be forceful, or make excuses. Outside a relationship, it still surprises me when people care about me more than whether or not they'll get laid. When men especially don't have that as their number one priority.

Hooray for the patriarchy!

Rape culture teaches us that women are to blame if we get raped, for 'leading men on', wearing clothing that mean we're 'asking for it', for being alone at night, for saying yes to something else but not to sex, for being drunk, etc etc. This list goes on. This assumes that all men's default status is rapist. That they have no control over their actions, and that their sole aim in any encounter is to have sex, whether the woman is consenting or not. This does not give them any credit for, y'know, being human beings rather than robots. For having feelings, a conscience, empathy, etc.

I'm so glad that the friends I have are able to prove society wrong. I'm lucky to have such lovely people in my life.

Feelings (again...)

I still miss Azariah so much. I still love him so much. I haven't seen him in over a month now, and he doesn't seem to want to meet up with me. Hopefully I'm just reading things into this that aren't there, but I asked him if we could meet up for a catch-up, and he asked whether I was sure that meeting him wouldn't make things more difficult for me. I said that I wasn't sure at all, but I missed him and wanted to see him. He said that he'd think about it over the weekend and get back to me. He didn't.

Later that week I found something of his and texted him to tell him, and we arranged to meet up the next weekend for a catch-up and I could give him his things then. The day before, he texted me to cancel because things had come up. I haven't heard from him since.

I want to be able to get on with my life but everything I do in some way makes me think of him. I can't even sleep without dreaming about him half the time, which makes waking up all the more painful when the reality hits. The dreams aren't even of being with him, just of being able to phone him up and chat. Just both of us acknowledging that this is hard, and that we still care about each other. He was such a huge part of my life, he helped me in so many ways and now that's all gone. When we broke up he told me that he still wanted me to be a part of his life, that he cared about me a great deal and just couldn't deal with a romantic relationship at the time. Now it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all, and that hurts so much. Living on my own and being alone with my thoughts all the time really doesn't help.



This next bit is probably waaaay too much information, so if you're family, or don't want to know rather intimate details, stop reading now...



I can't even fucking masturbate any more. The last time I tried I ended up almost suicidal. Azariah was the first person I ever had an orgasm with. He was the person who helped me get over my shame around masturbation, and allowed me to be able to enjoy myself without all the guilt I'd always felt around it. He was the first person I squirted with. God that's definitely tmi. Sorry. Fuck it. He's the first person I had any form of d/s relationship with, and the only person I've ever felt was my 'Sir'. I wasn't able to cum without him either telling me to, or doing something specific to help me get there.

I've lost all interest in anything vaguely kink or sex-related because it doesn't involve him. I don't want to sub to anyone that isn't him, and he's the only person I've ever really wanted to domme. I can't even imagine wanting to do any of those things with anyone else. There's just absolutely no appeal.



Right, I'm not going to go back and proof-read this because I definitely won't post it. Sorry for the rambley trains of thought that come out of my mind sometimes. I've been keeping all of this inside for far too long and just need to get it out somewhere, even if no one ever reads this. I love him, I miss him, and it hurts so damn much.

'Fixing' people

Often if I'm feeling depressed, upset, or just a little low or unsure, I tend to get quite quiet, and become a little uncommunicative. Ok, a lot. I just want to curl up and be hugged or soothed until I feel better. Often when I'm in that state I don't really know what is wrong, or if I do, I don't always want to talk about it.

There seem to be people who want to know why I'm feeling like this, so that they can try and 'fix' it, and people who just hug me and say 'it's going to be ok'.


People have different ways of reacting to me being like this: there's asking if I'm ok; asking what's wrong; giving me space and leaving me alone, asking what they can do to help, and coming over and just holding/hugging/stroking me.

In this mood, there's only really one of these which is of any use to me. 

If asked if I'm ok, and you're not a very close friend (or sometimes even if you are, I'm feeling really down), I'll just nod, or say that I'm fine, or just tired. It's generally obvious from my body language that I'm not ok, but I'm not usually in a place to discuss feelings - my brain is not in that sort of place in those moments.

Similar things tend to happen if I'm asked what's wrong - half the time I won't have the faintest idea why I've started feeling low. Maybe something triggered an upsetting memory, in which case I'll know, but it may just be a sudden low mood because of no enough energy (social, mental, or physical). This is more likely to get the answer out of me than the former, but is still not a great option.

Leaving me alone. Though I generally don't actually want to talk about what's wrong at the time, being left completely alone when obviously feeling down makes me feel ignored, lonely, or not cared about. I know that this isn't the case, but when I'm feeling crap anyway, it's easy for my brain to think that.

Asking what you can do to help, while a lovely gesture, isn't very helpful. There's nothing you can do apart from just hold/hug/stroke me, and when I'm feeling low and uncommunicative, I'm unlikely to be able to communicate that need, because I feel that you may not want to do that and I'd be imposing somehow. Yes I know, silly brain can give me silly ideas sometimes.

The last option - just holding/hugging/stroking me - is by far the best. I don't want my thoughts and feelings dissected and examined when I'm feeling low, there's generally nothing that can be done aside from waiting it out or being distracted, but being held just reminds me that people care for me and everything will be okay, even if I do feel a bit low sometimes.

In short, you don't need to 'do' anything. You don't need to try and 'fix' any problems, or work out what is wrong, or what you can do to help. I just need a hug.