Moan, rant, drama queen - feel free to ignore.

Well the next post I published was going to be about something saucy and scandalous but I'm just not up to it. I just can't do anything right now.

I've spent the day sitting on the sofa not even having the motivation to reach the TV remote to change channels from the horrible reality programmes which kept cropping up. I've been feeling like crying all day, but not wanting to cry in front on people in case it disturbed them or made them feel awkward. I've resorted to crying silently every time I leave the room to go to the bathroom or refill my cup of tea.

Everything's just so daunting at the moment and I can't cope. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I feel so pathetic and useless for sitting around in my pyjamas all day and not getting anything done, I'm not helping anyone or doing anything productive to society. I signed on with the job centre on Thursday and have to apply for 4 things by Tuesday. 4 things. That should be easy peasy, but it's just so daunting. I've also got to fill in my backdating form to show every single job I applied for last month to get the money they owe me for May, and just thinking about doing that makes me want to cry.

I've got no income, I'm not even paying rent at the moment - I'm owing it to D'Artagnan so when I finally do get some money I have all that to pay off before I can even think of finding somewhere to live in Birmingham, and I really want to move out. I don't know whether to take the postgrad degree I've been offered in Birmingham since realising that it's not quite what I want to do, but it's near all my friends and I'd be happy while doing it. I have to decide in less than a month, and I have absolutely no idea what to do! There's just so much pressure to know what's going on, what I want, and what I need to do and I haven't a fucking clue.

I feel like a fraud, a failure, and I'm letting people down - I've got people hanging on wanting to know if I'll be living with them, but I can't look for anywhere else until I have a job and can afford it.

Seriously, I'm such a waste of space to humanity at the moment. I feel like crying so much of the time. That seems to go away when I'm around friends and doing things I enjoy, but as soon as they're gone or I remember that it's there it comes back with a vengance, like it's a programme constantly running in the background, often masked but almost always there.

I've had a lovely evening with Jacques and D'Artagnan making me feel a bit better, and now they've gone to bed I feel completely worthless again. I just spent half an hour in bed with D'Artagnan crying, but I was afraid of keeping people awake so I've come downstairs to drink tea. My mind won't let me sleep, I'm just worrying and feeling shit and hoping that writing some of this down will help. Well it's hard to cry and type so I guess it's working, at least I'm concentrating more on my sentences being vaguely coherent than everything else at the moment. I'm sorry if you've actually read through all this bullshit. Have a free 10 minutes of life back. It's on me.

Oh, and to top it all I now have really itchy red swollen tonsils and itchy insides of my ears. Great.