Some bad days.

TW: depression, suicidal ideation

I had a seriously bad day today.Yesterday I'd been feeling low and down all day, but unable to vocalise any of it. I was at Azariah's house and really didn't want to leave. He was needing some space and time to himself, and all I wanted was for him to pay attention to me and cuddle me. I felt a bit left out and like I was getting in the way, and guilty for that, but couldn't express any of these feelings. Finally Azariah told me that I needed to go, as I had a doctor's appointment to get to and the roads were icy. In my low state, this sounded to me like him telling me to leave because he didn't want me around. The thoughts in my brain went a bit crazy, telling me how selfish I'd been for not giving him some space, how useless, worthless and pathetic he was and how he didn't even like me any more because I'd annoyed him.

I drove away, and started crying my eyes out. After a while I realised I wasn't even really able to see the road clearly anymore because of the crying. I tried to calm myself down, and managed for maybe a minute, but during that time all I could think about was accelerating really hard into a tree or ditch or off the road. I realised I wasn't in a safe state of mind to drive, and pulled over. I started composing a text to Azariah about the feelings I hadn't been able to vocalise (but was somehow now perfectly able to understand and write down in a text) and received a call from him asking where I was. He told me to stay where I was and drove to collect me. I hadn't asked him to, I hadn't told him I'd pulled over or was feeling this bad, he just knew.

He was going to take me back in his car, but I didn't like the idea of leaving my car at the side of the road, so instead he drove in front of me very carefully and slowly until we got back to his house. The thoughts were still there, but now that Azariah was in front of me I thought that I couldn't kill myself because he'd see and it'd traumatise him, or maybe make him feel it was his fault, or think badly of me. God that sounds so selfish.

When we got back I showed him the text I'd been composing, and he reasured me about all the silly things I'd been thinking. He said that after I'd gone he'd realised that I'd been reluctant to go despite him having said he needed some time to himself, and then knew that I was in a worse way than I'd been letting on. He held me asked me what I needed, or what he could do to help me or to take my mind off things.

He set me up playing a computer game to take my mind off things, while he had some time to himself playing on his Xbox.

I don't know whether he told his parents why I was staying an extra night, but they didn't mention anything about it. He took me along with him to Judo so I could talk to some people and socialise a little, which did help somewhat, and then I felt exhausted and went to bed.

This morning I felt that same wave of depression starting, and basically curled up on the sofa all morning. Moving, talking and eating were out of the question. Azariah's mum offered me a drink, and I managed to ask for tea. She asked if I was ok, and I said I just felt down, so she offered me sugar in my tea (which I never normally have, but really helps when I feel crap). I was so touched that she just accepted this and didn't judge, and that I could be myself here without any pressure or judgement. It's ok to be having a crap day for no reason. I don't have to wear a mask. It made me want to cry with happiness that people could accept me like this, and cry inside with sadness that my own parents wouldn’t understand.

This morning I wrote a facebook status saying I was having a bad day. I just wanted to let friends know that I needed support, and maybe seeing people would be useful. Friends as always were lovely, but later I saw someone else's status about having read someone's "depressing, attention-seeking status" and wanting to just tell them what a "special snowflake" they are. I don't know if the person in question was talking about me (though I suspect they might have been - that may however be the silly depressed brain talking) but the idea that someone reaching out and asking for help makes you react in that way and then respond with a passive-aggressive statement of your own (which they can obviously see) just makes me angry. If you don't want to offer someone support then don't, but then talking about how they just want attention and praise when it might genuinely be a cry for help seems cruel. 

So yeah. Now I'm pissed off too. Argh.