Asking for help

Trigger warning for suicidal thought & self harm

Asking for help is very hard.

I thought things were going pretty well 'til I had a really bad episode yesterday, and I didn't know what to do or why to call.

I tried Samaritans, and that helped a bit, in as much as it was helpful to have someone non-judgemental on the end of the line who I could just sob at and was calm throughout and non-judgemental. But I needed so much more than that. I needed someone to hold me and tell me things were ok, that the things my brain was telling me weren't true, that the feeling would pass.

Whichever room I was in, I was very aware of all the things in it that I could use to cause myself damage. I had overwhelming urges just to repeatedly cut, slice & slash my skin open. I retreated to my bed thinking that if I didn't get out of bed then I couldn't hurt myself.

Some people talked to me on facebook, and then later a friend came round to sit with me.

Azariah showed up later, removed the sharps from my room, made me hot milk with baileys and honey in and tucked me into bed. He then told me I wasn't to leave my room except to go to the toilet. After he left I finally managed to get to sleep around 1am.

Azariah has suggested that I set up a support group for when he's not around - maybe something on facebook - which I can post in if I'm in need of help or struggling, and someone could come round.

I feel terrible about the idea that I'd be imposing on people, disrupting their days, that they'd be helping grudgingly or reluctantly because they felt they had to out of obligation, and I'd hate people to feel like that. I don't want anyone to feel obliged to come and spend time with me, that's not a friendship at all.

I'd feel embarrassed about asking for help. Something in me still sees it as a sign of weakness or failure - I should be able to sort my own problems out etc. Logically I can understand the whole 'depression is an illness' thing, but emotionally, I still just think I'm just stupid, pathetic, weak, & worthless & should just get my life together and stop being such a wimpy emotional idiot. Yeah there's still a lot of self-hatred in there.

On the other hand I can see that it's a sensible idea, as Azariah isn't always around, and logically my brain tells me that people wouldn't mind helping me, and they wouldn't offer to if they didn't want to/weren't able to.

I'm just scared. I don't want to need help. I want to be able to fix everything myself.