Monday, 23 April 2012
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Want some of my ice cream?
I've seen an unusually high number of articles entitles things like
How to make your man/woman feel X
10 things women do that really annoy men
10 cruel things men do to women
6 psycho things women do...
8 things that secretly turn men on...
appearing as things that my friends on facebook have read. I mean, they've actually taken time out of their day to read these sweeping generalisations damning a whole sex with the same ridiculous statements. I'm not going to dissect these and list why they're wrong, sexist, and just basically terrible - that should be pretty obvious to anyone with a brain. What I'm more amazed about is that people actually read these! Why? Do they really think that an article like this will give them some enlightening insight into their friends/partners which they'd never discovered, which they can use to their advantage? Do they think it'll somehow help them in their communications with people of that sex? Don't people realise that if you don't read them, people won't write as many of them!
People are all different! What turns one person may seem utterly revolting to someone else, and what I might find really annoying can seem adorable to other people. The amazing thing about humans is how different we all are - by trying to tar everyone (or everyone of a particular sex) with the same brush you create an image of the world which is very two-dinemsional and dull. There are people on this world who are also female but who I have absolutely nothing in common with - yet according to these articles, because of our genitalia we should act in the same way. If you feel you need to read these to understand a whole sex, you've got it all wrong - you need to treat people as individuals, and get to know them. Their personality, likes/dislikes, turn-ons, annoyances will be different to everyone else you've met. Sure, some people have similarites, but if you treat a whole sex as one object sharing the same brain, you're really not going to get far in your relations with other people.
So to my friends - I really, really hope you were reading those so that you could comment critically on the generalising and sexist nature of those articles, or just to laugh at how stupid and ill-informed they are. Seriously. Or I might have to reconsider your suitability to share in my ice-cream.
How to make your man/woman feel X
10 things women do that really annoy men
10 cruel things men do to women
6 psycho things women do...
8 things that secretly turn men on...
appearing as things that my friends on facebook have read. I mean, they've actually taken time out of their day to read these sweeping generalisations damning a whole sex with the same ridiculous statements. I'm not going to dissect these and list why they're wrong, sexist, and just basically terrible - that should be pretty obvious to anyone with a brain. What I'm more amazed about is that people actually read these! Why? Do they really think that an article like this will give them some enlightening insight into their friends/partners which they'd never discovered, which they can use to their advantage? Do they think it'll somehow help them in their communications with people of that sex? Don't people realise that if you don't read them, people won't write as many of them!
People are all different! What turns one person may seem utterly revolting to someone else, and what I might find really annoying can seem adorable to other people. The amazing thing about humans is how different we all are - by trying to tar everyone (or everyone of a particular sex) with the same brush you create an image of the world which is very two-dinemsional and dull. There are people on this world who are also female but who I have absolutely nothing in common with - yet according to these articles, because of our genitalia we should act in the same way. If you feel you need to read these to understand a whole sex, you've got it all wrong - you need to treat people as individuals, and get to know them. Their personality, likes/dislikes, turn-ons, annoyances will be different to everyone else you've met. Sure, some people have similarites, but if you treat a whole sex as one object sharing the same brain, you're really not going to get far in your relations with other people.
So to my friends - I really, really hope you were reading those so that you could comment critically on the generalising and sexist nature of those articles, or just to laugh at how stupid and ill-informed they are. Seriously. Or I might have to reconsider your suitability to share in my ice-cream.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
You've been a bad girl...
I have a formspring account, where people ask me questions anonymously
and I will answer them. But the number of times people have said
something along the lines of "what's the dirtiest thing you've ever
done?" is rather large. And I'm always baffled when trying to come up with a
response to this. I don't view my sex life as something negative, which
is what the word dirty seems to imply. And how would one even begin to categorise
things into 'more dirty' or 'less dirty' - how does one compare sex
acts?
Ok, so obviously when people say 'ooh you dirty boy, you need punishing', they're not consciously thinking that the fact that their partner wants sex with them is bad, or they wouldn't want to 'do terrible things to them', but it still reinforces the shame and guilt felt around sex.
We hear these sorts of phrases all the time:
Why does it all have to be so negatively phrased? I guess it all falls back to the virgin/whore dichotomoy we still struggle to break free from, where virgins are good, clean girls who never have sex, and 'whores' are unclean, dirty, sexual beings. There's so much to say on this topic but that would completely derail this post. I'll try to keep to the topic at hand.
As a society we have this huge shame and guilt issue around sex, but even in the kink community, which is generally pretty good on the consent and sex-positivity side of things, falls down here.
Yes, it can be all very fun in a roleplay scenario, or during a scene for those who enjoy humiliation and other such things, but when this transcends into common useage it turns an act that can be exhilerating, beautiful, mind-blowing, intimate, euphoric, hot, and just great fun into something which make people feel shame, guilt and negativity. And this isn't because I think all sex needs to be beautiful and deep and intimate. Sure, some sex is, but some is raw and animalistic involving teeth and nails and fists. I still wouldn't call one more 'naughty' or 'bad' or 'filthy' than the other. That, to me, seems to be using completely the wrong language to talk about it.
So, instead of seeing your partner(s) in their lingerie/latex catsuit/banana costume/birthday suit/other (delete as appropriate) and saying 'You bad girl(s)/boy(s)/person/people/dinosaur, I'm going to take you upstairs and do terrible things to you', why can't we tell them how awesome they are, and how you're going to do wonderful things to them? Then you can throw them on/in the bed/cage/dungeon/garden/paddling pool and beat/fuck/tickle/glomp them silly.
Dirty = unclean.
I did some googling (I know, impressive research!) and found a definition. Just in case I was wildly wrong (unthinkable, I know!) and here's what I came up with.
Definitions of unclean:
So by saying something or someone is dirty, (assuming you don't mean they're covered in mud)you're making a few assumptions. Let's leave out the ritual definition, because I assume that people don't use that one very often in this kind of scenario (or at least, I'm not going to address it. So there.) You're assuming they
a) Have no morals, or knowingly go against morals, (I'm assuming this isn't what's meant between two people in a sexual relationship, so we'll leave that one out too)
b) Don't abstain from sex, or do have sexual intentions,
and that
c) having sex or sexual intentions is BAD!
Ok, so obviously when people say 'ooh you dirty boy, you need punishing', they're not consciously thinking that the fact that their partner wants sex with them is bad, or they wouldn't want to 'do terrible things to them', but it still reinforces the shame and guilt felt around sex.
We hear these sorts of phrases all the time:
- 'You've been a naughty girl...'
- 'I'm going to do terrible things to you...'
- 'You filthy thing...'
Why does it all have to be so negatively phrased? I guess it all falls back to the virgin/whore dichotomoy we still struggle to break free from, where virgins are good, clean girls who never have sex, and 'whores' are unclean, dirty, sexual beings. There's so much to say on this topic but that would completely derail this post. I'll try to keep to the topic at hand.
As a society we have this huge shame and guilt issue around sex, but even in the kink community, which is generally pretty good on the consent and sex-positivity side of things, falls down here.
Yes, it can be all very fun in a roleplay scenario, or during a scene for those who enjoy humiliation and other such things, but when this transcends into common useage it turns an act that can be exhilerating, beautiful, mind-blowing, intimate, euphoric, hot, and just great fun into something which make people feel shame, guilt and negativity. And this isn't because I think all sex needs to be beautiful and deep and intimate. Sure, some sex is, but some is raw and animalistic involving teeth and nails and fists. I still wouldn't call one more 'naughty' or 'bad' or 'filthy' than the other. That, to me, seems to be using completely the wrong language to talk about it.
So, instead of seeing your partner(s) in their lingerie/latex catsuit/banana costume/birthday suit/other (delete as appropriate) and saying 'You bad girl(s)/boy(s)/person/people/dinosaur, I'm going to take you upstairs and do terrible things to you', why can't we tell them how awesome they are, and how you're going to do wonderful things to them? Then you can throw them on/in the bed/cage/dungeon/garden/paddling pool and beat/fuck/tickle/glomp them silly.
Being overlooked
So a couple of weeks ago I damaged the soft tissue in my ankle. I've been on crutches to keep the weight off it while it's healing, and mostly people have been very helpful - holding open doors for me when they see me behind them, holding the lift, letting me go first etc. Because I'm just one of them, but I'm temporarily hurt. It's nice that people are being helpful.
On Monday I had a day in London with some of my family. We were going to the Natural History Museum, and my mum suggested we borrowed a wheelchair rather than me hobbling around on my foot all day, so that I didn't get too tired. Great idea, I thought.
So I got into a chair, and started wheeling myself around. After the first few moments of 'Woo, this is fun! Look, I can go backwards! I can turn this way too!' it got a bit tiring on my arms. Then I started to notice a shift in people's attitudes and even perceptions towards me. I was no longer 'one of them', who needed their assistance. I was an object that was in their way. Everyone looked over the top of my head, apart from the children for whom I was at eye-level with, but even they regarded me differently. I was now 'other'. When people realised they'd been standing in front of me blocking my view (it was rather loud and saying excuse me didn't always get heard) instead of acknoledging me, saying something like 'oh I'm sorry', or 'I'll be out of your way in a minute', they muttered under their breaths to the people with them and quickly moved out of the way embarrassedly. It was like I wasn't a person to be interacted with, I was differently-abled, and therefore 'other' and 'different'.
I was having to be careful of my foot - the thing which hurt, and was also the most protruding part of me and easiest to trip over - while wheeling myself around. People backed into me, or just stepped over my extended leg to get to places. No one said 'excuse me'. In fact, no one other than my family said anything to me. I felt quite invisible.
I was only in a wheelchair for 3 hours, and in a few weeks I'll probably be off crutches as well, but I experienced a huge shift in attitude towards those in wheelchairs which I hadn't been conscious of before. It's hurts to think that some people must live their lives experiencing this kind of prejudice. Why aren't people just treated as people? I'm definitely going to make sure that when I'm having a happy, 'smile-at-everyone' day, I smile at everyone.
On Monday I had a day in London with some of my family. We were going to the Natural History Museum, and my mum suggested we borrowed a wheelchair rather than me hobbling around on my foot all day, so that I didn't get too tired. Great idea, I thought.
So I got into a chair, and started wheeling myself around. After the first few moments of 'Woo, this is fun! Look, I can go backwards! I can turn this way too!' it got a bit tiring on my arms. Then I started to notice a shift in people's attitudes and even perceptions towards me. I was no longer 'one of them', who needed their assistance. I was an object that was in their way. Everyone looked over the top of my head, apart from the children for whom I was at eye-level with, but even they regarded me differently. I was now 'other'. When people realised they'd been standing in front of me blocking my view (it was rather loud and saying excuse me didn't always get heard) instead of acknoledging me, saying something like 'oh I'm sorry', or 'I'll be out of your way in a minute', they muttered under their breaths to the people with them and quickly moved out of the way embarrassedly. It was like I wasn't a person to be interacted with, I was differently-abled, and therefore 'other' and 'different'.
I was having to be careful of my foot - the thing which hurt, and was also the most protruding part of me and easiest to trip over - while wheeling myself around. People backed into me, or just stepped over my extended leg to get to places. No one said 'excuse me'. In fact, no one other than my family said anything to me. I felt quite invisible.
I was only in a wheelchair for 3 hours, and in a few weeks I'll probably be off crutches as well, but I experienced a huge shift in attitude towards those in wheelchairs which I hadn't been conscious of before. It's hurts to think that some people must live their lives experiencing this kind of prejudice. Why aren't people just treated as people? I'm definitely going to make sure that when I'm having a happy, 'smile-at-everyone' day, I smile at everyone.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Bodily Autonomy
For reasons out of my grasp, I ended up watch '10 years younger' and found myself disgusted by the attitudes on it! For those who haven't had the misfortune of watching it, a woman (it's almost always a woman) who looks her age is taken out into public, where people give their opinions of how old they think she is.
The average is taken, and it's always older than her actual age, and this is terrible! You wouldn't want people to know that you have lived your life, that you have experiences and memories and a personality! All that matters is that people see you as a blonde, twenty-something person with a very stretched, poisoned forehead with no working facial muscles.
The woman, having been told she looks older than she is and that this is terrible, is told that she needs surgery, a hair cut, younger looking clothes, more makeup to hide her face, and if she has grey hairs and is actually aging normally?! Dye it, quickly, before anyone realises that you're not 25 anymore!
Because god forbid that people realise that you're human and therefore not immortal or in possession of eternal youth. What is it with the obsession of covering one's grey hairs? What happened to growing old gracefully? Obviously that's still a possibility for men, what with the 'silver fox' image, and articles like this letting us know that women 'just look older' with grey hair, while men can look 'hunky'. *sigh*
The woman I watched, having had her face sliced and diced, was told that she needed a new haircut. She had long hair. She asked for it to be kept long, but just restyled, or trimmed. The hairdresser put his hand where he was about to cut, and said 'how's that?'. She said 'no, I'd like it about here please', putting her hand a little lower down. He nodded, and proceeded to cut where he wanted to, then showed it to her. 'How's that?' he said. She looked horrified, and said 'No, put it back!' slightly jokingly, because obviously she realised that that was impossible, but - she said no! She specifically said that she didn't want this to be done to her, and he went ahead and did it anyway. Because y'know, he knows best, he's the hairdresser, she's just an old, unfashionable woman!
Which gets me on to this. Women's bodies are seen as public property. If society doesn't like something about you - your fashion sense, your haircut, your face - they will change it for you. Because you don't get a say about your own body. I've seen women brought onto things like the Jeremy Kyle show who'd been growing their hair all of their lives. It was long and it was their pride and joy. Their families didn't like it, they said it 'got in the way', or 'made them look older', and they cut it. On live TV. While the women cried their eyes out, protested and told them to stop. But their families didn't like it, and it's only hair, so what were they making such a big fuss about?
If this is the sort of attitude that society has towards women's bodies, then it's no wonder that things like rape are so often dismissed, trivialised, given other names. 'Grey rape', as a term, shouldn't even exist. And it's because our bodies aren't our own, so why would people even need our consent?
The average is taken, and it's always older than her actual age, and this is terrible! You wouldn't want people to know that you have lived your life, that you have experiences and memories and a personality! All that matters is that people see you as a blonde, twenty-something person with a very stretched, poisoned forehead with no working facial muscles.
The woman, having been told she looks older than she is and that this is terrible, is told that she needs surgery, a hair cut, younger looking clothes, more makeup to hide her face, and if she has grey hairs and is actually aging normally?! Dye it, quickly, before anyone realises that you're not 25 anymore!
Because god forbid that people realise that you're human and therefore not immortal or in possession of eternal youth. What is it with the obsession of covering one's grey hairs? What happened to growing old gracefully? Obviously that's still a possibility for men, what with the 'silver fox' image, and articles like this letting us know that women 'just look older' with grey hair, while men can look 'hunky'. *sigh*
The woman I watched, having had her face sliced and diced, was told that she needed a new haircut. She had long hair. She asked for it to be kept long, but just restyled, or trimmed. The hairdresser put his hand where he was about to cut, and said 'how's that?'. She said 'no, I'd like it about here please', putting her hand a little lower down. He nodded, and proceeded to cut where he wanted to, then showed it to her. 'How's that?' he said. She looked horrified, and said 'No, put it back!' slightly jokingly, because obviously she realised that that was impossible, but - she said no! She specifically said that she didn't want this to be done to her, and he went ahead and did it anyway. Because y'know, he knows best, he's the hairdresser, she's just an old, unfashionable woman!
Which gets me on to this. Women's bodies are seen as public property. If society doesn't like something about you - your fashion sense, your haircut, your face - they will change it for you. Because you don't get a say about your own body. I've seen women brought onto things like the Jeremy Kyle show who'd been growing their hair all of their lives. It was long and it was their pride and joy. Their families didn't like it, they said it 'got in the way', or 'made them look older', and they cut it. On live TV. While the women cried their eyes out, protested and told them to stop. But their families didn't like it, and it's only hair, so what were they making such a big fuss about?
If this is the sort of attitude that society has towards women's bodies, then it's no wonder that things like rape are so often dismissed, trivialised, given other names. 'Grey rape', as a term, shouldn't even exist. And it's because our bodies aren't our own, so why would people even need our consent?
In addition to the body hair thing...
I also no longer buy or use deodorant. That's right, yet another social convention I am opting out of! Take that, society! =P
I was staying somewhere and hadn't packed any. After a few days, my body adjusted to this new routine of not blocking its pores with weird-smelling spray, and started regulating the amount of sweat I produced. And you know what? It's less! I barely sweat at all now that I've stopped using deodorant!
Also, I'm aware of my own smell now - yes, I have a smell! Like male people do! (Well, like all people do, but what with the all of the not having bodily functions (farting, burping, going to the toilet...), body hair, a smell is something we're also not meant to have.)
And it's awesome! I smell like a person, not like cans of deodorant which never really appealed to me anyway. Obviously, if I do vigorous exercise, like anyone, I will sweat. And that's normal. Not disgusting, or 'unfeminine', but human. I don't understand why society wants women to be these ridiculous caricatures with no human body functions. Then you might as well just have a sex doll. Oh wait, that's why...
I was staying somewhere and hadn't packed any. After a few days, my body adjusted to this new routine of not blocking its pores with weird-smelling spray, and started regulating the amount of sweat I produced. And you know what? It's less! I barely sweat at all now that I've stopped using deodorant!
Also, I'm aware of my own smell now - yes, I have a smell! Like male people do! (Well, like all people do, but what with the all of the not having bodily functions (farting, burping, going to the toilet...), body hair, a smell is something we're also not meant to have.)
And it's awesome! I smell like a person, not like cans of deodorant which never really appealed to me anyway. Obviously, if I do vigorous exercise, like anyone, I will sweat. And that's normal. Not disgusting, or 'unfeminine', but human. I don't understand why society wants women to be these ridiculous caricatures with no human body functions. Then you might as well just have a sex doll. Oh wait, that's why...
Body hair
So. Until December, I was 'normal' about my body hair routine. I say that tongue-in-cheek, because surely cutting, waxing, trimming, dissolving or using lasers to get rid of the hair that covers parts of one's body can't be a sane, or rationally thought out conclusion... 'I like that person. I will tear hairs out of my skin in the hopes that they find me more appealing.' I mean - what?
Yes, society has done a good job of making sure that we know that our bodies aren't good enough the way they are. 'Normal' bodies are not represented in the media, so we grow to believe that there must be something wrong with ours. For more on this, I recommend my friend's blog, http://argufemmetative.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/weight-a-minute-ho-ho-ho/. But I digress.
In November, I was in Austria. Azariah was coming out to visit me, so, in the 'normal' fashion, I removed body hair from my legs, I trimmed my pubes, and ran sharp implements over the soft skin under my arms, to make sure that he wouldn't see what I normally look like, because god forbid he should actually see a real human being instead of the airbrushed images we see in the media!
When he arrived and clothes had come off, he said 'Did you shave and trim everything because I was coming out?' I felt... slightly embarrassed, I didn't want him to know that I'd gone through all this effort just for him, I wanted him to think that this was just how I looked. Naturally. Y'know, because women don't grow bodyhair...
Immediately I realised what a ridiculous response and thought process this was. Why the hell would I want to have to go through all that effort, and have to keep it up because people assumed that it was normal? In fact, why should I even do that in the first place? It's not as if bodyhair affects who I am as a person, or even really changes what I look like.
So I decided there and then, that that was it. I would never rip bits out of my body again. And I haven't.
And you know what? No one has commented on the fact that my legs now sport a light covering of bodyhair, or that when I raise my armpits, you can see... wait for it... hair! Not one person has come up to me in the street and said 'Excuse me Miss, I couldn't help noticing that you seem to have more pubic hair than is strictly allowed.'
Because that would be creepy...
Also, I saw this picture: http://hairypitsclub.tumblr.com/post/15133779659/my-self-love-is-not-quite-radical-enough-yet-that
And my first reaction was 'wow, she's gorgeous!' It was not: 'Oh god, her body hair! It's present!'
Yes, society has done a good job of making sure that we know that our bodies aren't good enough the way they are. 'Normal' bodies are not represented in the media, so we grow to believe that there must be something wrong with ours. For more on this, I recommend my friend's blog, http://argufemmetative.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/weight-a-minute-ho-ho-ho/. But I digress.
In November, I was in Austria. Azariah was coming out to visit me, so, in the 'normal' fashion, I removed body hair from my legs, I trimmed my pubes, and ran sharp implements over the soft skin under my arms, to make sure that he wouldn't see what I normally look like, because god forbid he should actually see a real human being instead of the airbrushed images we see in the media!
When he arrived and clothes had come off, he said 'Did you shave and trim everything because I was coming out?' I felt... slightly embarrassed, I didn't want him to know that I'd gone through all this effort just for him, I wanted him to think that this was just how I looked. Naturally. Y'know, because women don't grow bodyhair...
Immediately I realised what a ridiculous response and thought process this was. Why the hell would I want to have to go through all that effort, and have to keep it up because people assumed that it was normal? In fact, why should I even do that in the first place? It's not as if bodyhair affects who I am as a person, or even really changes what I look like.
So I decided there and then, that that was it. I would never rip bits out of my body again. And I haven't.
And you know what? No one has commented on the fact that my legs now sport a light covering of bodyhair, or that when I raise my armpits, you can see... wait for it... hair! Not one person has come up to me in the street and said 'Excuse me Miss, I couldn't help noticing that you seem to have more pubic hair than is strictly allowed.'
Because that would be creepy...
Also, I saw this picture: http://hairypitsclub.tumblr.com/post/15133779659/my-self-love-is-not-quite-radical-enough-yet-that
And my first reaction was 'wow, she's gorgeous!' It was not: 'Oh god, her body hair! It's present!'
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