There's just too much!

I need to help my youngest sister understand that she's skinny, not obese. I need to make both sisters understand why using the words 'retarded' and 'gay' are hurtful and shouldn't be used as alternatives for rubbish, stupid, etc. I need to make my parents realise that skinniness has nothing to do with how healthy or fit a person is, and that it has no bearing how 'good' they are as people. I need to somehow stop them being so shallow, homophobic, racist, sexist, and understand that someone having different viewpoints or a different religion doesn't make someone any 'worse' than them, that all people are equal, and that they shouldn't look down on other people for not being the same as them.

I can't fix everything, why is there so much to deal with?!

I don't know what to do about this

My youngest sister, who's 14, is obsessed with being 'skinny'. She's a gymnast, is super fit and very athletic. She's skipping breakfast and sometimes other meals. She's been going on about losing the 'fat' which she apparently has on her stomach. She has a flat stomach, and a normal, healthy amount of fat which insulates her, yet today she declared herself to be 'practically obese'.

My mum and dad ignored this, haven't said anything to the contrary, and my dad's even been giving her tips on how to lose weight and which exercises will work out which bits of the body. I tried saying that she was being obsessive about this, and dad just said 'I don't think she is'. Well, that's that sorted then, conversation closed! If dad thinks it's fine then it's obviously healthy!

It makes me want to cry, it really does. Julia seems to be heading dangerously close to the anorexic mindset and no one in my family is doing anything to prevent this, or to tell her that no, she's not obese, she's actually skinny already.

My parents have always had an obsession about fat, having repeatedly told me and Julia that we're fat and need to lose weight, commented on how much we've eaten, etc etc. I was worried about their attitudes about fat when Julia was 12 and they kept telling her she was fat, and told them it'd lead to an eating disorder. Well done parents, thanks a lot for proving me right.

Why does no one understand how damaging this could be? I just want to cry!

"Man Up"

So, something's pissed me off today. First of all, my little sister, Julia, has damaged her knee, and has been told to avoid exercise for about 6 weeks while it heals. While we're all on holiday, skiing, tobogganing, ice skating, rock climbing, etc. It really is quite unfair on her. Naturally, she's feeling a bit pissed off because of this - bored, left out, and really wanting to take part.

This evening she asked if she could come tobogganing with us tomorrow, as she wanted to join in and have fun and see her friends. My parents said that it'd probably be bad for her knee, because she'd have to use her feet for braking and steering. Julia said it wouldn't that it'd be fine, etc etc. This went back and forth a few times and got a bit heated. Whenever Julia said she'd be fine, my dad just told her to stop being so 'stupid'. She told him she wasn't being stupid, she just really wanted to go sledging, and he kept countering with saying how 'stupid' she was. She, obviously hurt, started crying, and my dad told her to just 'man up'.

When she told him that that was a horribly sexist remark, he told her not to be stupid, and that it was just a saying.

Later on, he came into the room where I was sat with Julia, and said that he was 'sorry if he hurt her feelings, and that he hadn't meant to.' Hadn't meant to? Really? Why would you insult someone if you had no intention of hurting their feelings?! Also he said he was sorry IF he hurt her feelings, not that he had said what he had.

Ok, on to the whole "man up" thing. This makes me so angry, along with his insistence that he is never ever sexist, homophobic, racist, etc etc. But that could fill about a thousand posts.

The reason "man up" is sexist is in the words - MAN up. Why not woman up? Because women are not considered as good as men. It's not considered a good thing to be a woman. To be a "real man" (emotionless, strong, decisive, uncaring, controlled by their genitals) is considered the thing everyone should be, or aspire to be. To care about others, communicate, think things through, show empathy or any other emotion are seen as female attributes, and weak, and less desirable. By telling someone to 'man up', you are saying that you see being a woman as something less than being a man. That's it's undesirable to be seen as female, that you see men as better. That's sexism if ever I saw it.

It's the same as "don't be such a girl", calling someone a "big girl's blouse" etc. If I try to pick my dad up on these things when he says them, I'm told I'm being ridiculous, over-reacting, etc etc - all the standard things misogynists say when confronted with their own sexism.

Some bad days.

TW: depression, suicidal ideation

I had a seriously bad day today.Yesterday I'd been feeling low and down all day, but unable to vocalise any of it. I was at Azariah's house and really didn't want to leave. He was needing some space and time to himself, and all I wanted was for him to pay attention to me and cuddle me. I felt a bit left out and like I was getting in the way, and guilty for that, but couldn't express any of these feelings. Finally Azariah told me that I needed to go, as I had a doctor's appointment to get to and the roads were icy. In my low state, this sounded to me like him telling me to leave because he didn't want me around. The thoughts in my brain went a bit crazy, telling me how selfish I'd been for not giving him some space, how useless, worthless and pathetic he was and how he didn't even like me any more because I'd annoyed him.

I drove away, and started crying my eyes out. After a while I realised I wasn't even really able to see the road clearly anymore because of the crying. I tried to calm myself down, and managed for maybe a minute, but during that time all I could think about was accelerating really hard into a tree or ditch or off the road. I realised I wasn't in a safe state of mind to drive, and pulled over. I started composing a text to Azariah about the feelings I hadn't been able to vocalise (but was somehow now perfectly able to understand and write down in a text) and received a call from him asking where I was. He told me to stay where I was and drove to collect me. I hadn't asked him to, I hadn't told him I'd pulled over or was feeling this bad, he just knew.

He was going to take me back in his car, but I didn't like the idea of leaving my car at the side of the road, so instead he drove in front of me very carefully and slowly until we got back to his house. The thoughts were still there, but now that Azariah was in front of me I thought that I couldn't kill myself because he'd see and it'd traumatise him, or maybe make him feel it was his fault, or think badly of me. God that sounds so selfish.

When we got back I showed him the text I'd been composing, and he reasured me about all the silly things I'd been thinking. He said that after I'd gone he'd realised that I'd been reluctant to go despite him having said he needed some time to himself, and then knew that I was in a worse way than I'd been letting on. He held me asked me what I needed, or what he could do to help me or to take my mind off things.

He set me up playing a computer game to take my mind off things, while he had some time to himself playing on his Xbox.

I don't know whether he told his parents why I was staying an extra night, but they didn't mention anything about it. He took me along with him to Judo so I could talk to some people and socialise a little, which did help somewhat, and then I felt exhausted and went to bed.

This morning I felt that same wave of depression starting, and basically curled up on the sofa all morning. Moving, talking and eating were out of the question. Azariah's mum offered me a drink, and I managed to ask for tea. She asked if I was ok, and I said I just felt down, so she offered me sugar in my tea (which I never normally have, but really helps when I feel crap). I was so touched that she just accepted this and didn't judge, and that I could be myself here without any pressure or judgement. It's ok to be having a crap day for no reason. I don't have to wear a mask. It made me want to cry with happiness that people could accept me like this, and cry inside with sadness that my own parents wouldn’t understand.

This morning I wrote a facebook status saying I was having a bad day. I just wanted to let friends know that I needed support, and maybe seeing people would be useful. Friends as always were lovely, but later I saw someone else's status about having read someone's "depressing, attention-seeking status" and wanting to just tell them what a "special snowflake" they are. I don't know if the person in question was talking about me (though I suspect they might have been - that may however be the silly depressed brain talking) but the idea that someone reaching out and asking for help makes you react in that way and then respond with a passive-aggressive statement of your own (which they can obviously see) just makes me angry. If you don't want to offer someone support then don't, but then talking about how they just want attention and praise when it might genuinely be a cry for help seems cruel. 

So yeah. Now I'm pissed off too. Argh.  

Fun with wax!

I know this one's a bit blurry, but others had faces in or were rather more explicit. Oddly enough I hadn't really done waxplay before. Turns out it's awesome and I like it! Azariah seemed to have fun too... =P

Language

Azariah did what I could never do - he stood up to my parents in a discussion of freedom of speech or words which didn't use to be insults, but now can be used as such. My parents were saying that those who'd grown up in a different generation weren't to blame for saying things that could be considered homophobic or racist, because words have changed their meanings, so it's not their fault and they don't mean anything by it.

Azariah stated that those who considered themselves intelligent should educate themselves on the fluctuating nature of language, or else avoid talking about those topics which could be considered inflammatory.

I was so grateful to him! It's a small start, but my parents have always vehemently refuted the idea that they're homophobic, because my dad 'knew some gay people at school'. The fact that he referred to a gay person last night as 'a gay' had me biting my tongue. I wouldn't say 'I was talking to a straight yesterday...' I'd say 'I was talking to a person', or if their sexual orientation was a point that needed mentioning, I'd say 'I was talking to someone/a person who's straight'...

They just don't seem to be able to see the dehumanisation that their language creates - talking about someone as 'a gay' removes from being a person, distancing yourself from them so that it's easier to cast judgements and insult.

Overall, last night was very tame with regards to conflict or inflammatory remarks because there were guests round, and my parents always do everything to appear open and accepting when in company, but there are always little things I notice that slip through the net.

When you think about it, it's pretty creepy...

What's annoying me recently is people's attitudes about body hair on women. For those who don't know, I just leave mine alone. The argument for women shaving or getting rid of it in some way seems either to be that it seems more hygienic or 'cleaner'. I don't understand why anyone would think this! Pubic hair especially, performs a function similar to the cilia in the nose and eyelashes - it prevents dirt and other particles from entering the body, helping to prevent against infection.

The act of shaving, waxing, or any other form of hair removal removes this protective barrier, leaving you more open to infections. Shaving especially, leaves the skin with tiny cuts all over, which makes it even more likely to become sore or infected. Along with the higher chance of things like ingrown hairs from hair removal, this doesn't exactly help the case for 'hygeine' as the reason we perform these tasks. (Also there's a thing called washing, which you can do no matter how much hair you have...)

Pubic hair is also a signifier to others that you have gone through puberty and are physically mature enough to engage in intercourse and to carry a child. (This has nothing to do with emotional maturity though.) It helps in releasing pheremones which are attractive to mates.

Originally the removal of pubic hair started off in porn in order to get better camera angles and a better view of what was happening. It was something very different and 'out there', which no one in society actually did, it was purely in porn, but has gradually infiltrated society's conciousness as something which is 'natural' and all women should look like.

Leg hair - well it's there to keep us warm when we're cold, and cool us down when we're hot. Underarm hair helps in cooling us down, and also in releasing pheremones.

Removing all of our body hair can not only actualy increase the chances of infection, but also removes the signifiers that we are past puberty. This is similar to the way that wearing high heels imitates the way we look as we're going through puberty - our limbs are longer in comparison to the rest of our bodies, which is a visual signal that we are on our way to physical maturity. It's this infantilisation which unnerves me. Our whole society seems to encourage the idea that women should appear pre-pubescent. Even our language echoes this - while the term 'boy' refers to children, or as a putdown to those considered inferior, women are referred to as girls throughout their lives: grown women engage in 'girl talk', go round to visit the girls, and are encouraged through this language and pressure to conform to pre-pubescent body images, to remain childlike. The implication here is that they are immature, without power, and therefore less than men.


The idea that women are only sexually appealing when they look like children, well that's just damn creepy.