This is pretty hard to write.

Trigger warning for rape/abuse.

Ok, this might be a bit too close for comfort for some. Others will probably know the person I'm talking about despite the use of pseudonyms. It's a bit explicit in places. If you think it might make you feel uncomfortable I'd stop now. Have some tea and kittens instead...

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Right. Okay.

When I was in University, I met someone I'll call Julian. We were performing in a panto together, and he seemed funny. I little odd and quirky, sometimes a bit annoying, but we had a giggle together.

One day I went over to the halls he was staying in at Uni. We sat and drank tea in his kitchen, I said hi to some of his flatmates, and we ate some cakey thing - I don't remember what it was. Then we went into his room and ended up kissing. After that he told me that when he first met me he knew we'd end up doing this. I found that a little bit arrogant, but also thought that nerves after just kissing someone for the first time can sometimes make you say things you wouldn't normally. Looking back I probably should have heard the alarm bells then, but they were too small for me to actually worry about anything.

There's a bit of a gap in my memory here - the next bit I remember is lying on the floor while his fingers were inside me, feeling decidedly uncomfortable and knowing that I didn't really want this, but I didn't want to make him feel bad, and I thought it wasn't doing any harm - he'd get bored soon and stop surely. I felt nervous and a little pressured, but not out of my depth. I wasn't scared.

Then he got out a condom and put it on his cock. There wasn't any talking. He didn't ask me if I wanted to have sex, or check for my consent. I think he interpreted my silence as consent enough - I hadn't said no, so I couldn't have a problem with this, right? At this point I knew I definitely didn't want to have sex with him, but I thought 'well he's opened the packet now, he'll be annoyed if he's wasted it. I can't really say no after I let him have his fingers inside me, he'll expect me to have sex with him now...'

I tensed up. I didn't want sex, I didn't want to offend him by saying no, I thought he'd think that I'd led him on, teased him. I was still lying on my back, but I sat up and backed away from him, hoping he'd take it as a hint. He crawled forward until he was positioned above me. I tensed up. I couldn't talk. I clamped my cunt muscles closed as tightly as I could, thinking that if he couldn't get it inside it just wouldn't happen and he'd give up.

He tried to force himself inside me. He couldn't get more than the head inside. He tried again a few times, laughing at his inability to get inside. I didn't say anything. I'm not sure I could've.

After a few more tries he gave up, took the condom off and that was it. I didn't feel like I'd been raped, I just thought that that sort of thing sometimes happened if one person wanted sex and the other didn't. I left his place and have never seen him since.

Looking back, with hindsight and a lot more knowledge about consent, I was raped. It wasn't the pantomime villain in an alleyway with a knife, it was someone I knew, in the middle of the day, after tea and cakes. I wasn't kicking and screaming, struggling or held down. But I didn't consent. I wasn't even asked whether I wanted any of this, it was just either a naive assumption that because I hadn't said stop that I wanted him to carry on, or he realised that I wasn't into it but decided to carry on unless I said no - that way justifying it in his head. I really hope it was the former, but I tried to physically push him away, remove myself from the situation, and at no point did I say yes (or any variant thereof).

This happened quite a few years ago, and I only remembered it in March this year, at which point I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, my guts had been pulled out and I was going to vomit. I was confused, because I hadn't said no, so it couldn't have been rape right? And it was someone I knew! Also lots of my friends know him, think he's nice or funny or odd, and nice people with friends can't be rapists surely.

The trouble is that everyone knows him. I don't feel like I can tell anyone (except a few close friends) in case they think I'm making it up, or I'm exaggerating, etc. Every time his name has been mentioned since I remembered this incident, I shut down. I feel hollow, like there's a sinking emptiness in my stomach. I lose the ability to talk. I feel like curling up and crying, and most of the time I have to make my excuses (non-verbally) and get away from the conversation.

I've been to two weddings in the last few weeks. At the end of the night after the first wedding, his name was mentioned. Not just his name, but also the fact that he was a bit odd, and had written a load of stories about rape. It was right at the end, and I had about half an hour of being unable to speak. People asked if I was ok and I just nodded or gave a thumbs up. I couldn't say anything.

The following weekend at the start of the reception he was brought up again. The conversation went on for a good 5 minutes about his 'hilarious' stories, weird cooking habits and generally just how amusing people find him. I had to find a close friend and just hold her hand for a while without speaking. After I'd recovered from that, an hour or so later he was mentioned again in another conversation with a separate group of friends!

It seems that he's being mentioned around me more and more often, and I need to find a way to deal with my reactions to him so that I'm able to hear his name without completely shutting down. Maybe writing this will help. Julian raped me.