Logic vs Emotions

So I'm going into hospital for a couple of weeks.

I had a really bad week last week in terms of depression, and went to the Doctor to ask about changing my tablets. The thing is, because of the dosage I'm on and the way the drugs work, I'd first need to lower my dosage on my current pills, leave it for a few days to allow my brain to settle to that, then add the new drugs, then leave it a few days, then get rid of the current ones completely.

All of this could play havoc with my mind and potentially make me worse while my brain and body gets used to the new medication, so I'm going to go into hospital for a couple of weeks while they do this. This will allow them to monitor my progress, keep a close eye on any weird side effects and generally just keep me safe from my crazy brain while it's going a bit loopy.

Logically I know that this is good news - I'll be well looked after, won't need to do anything, and it should help speed up my recovery in the long term as I'll be able to have counselling almost every day rather than once a week, and should be on drugs better suited to my brain.

Emotionally, I'm a bit scared. I'm worried that being in hospital on my own will make me feel lonely and therefore more down. When I'm feeling down I forget that I have friends who wouldn't mind coming to see me. I get into a 'who would want to be with me when I'm like this?' state of mind.

I'm also worried about getting behind with uni work. It'd mean missing a couple of lectures, and though I've tried telling myself that I could do work while I'm in hospital, I'm doubt I'll be able to in the state I'll be in. I'm not able to cope with it now, on a relatively 'good' day. I really hope the new tablets help, because if I carry on like this I'm not sure I'll be able to finish my course, and I really want to be able to! Also my parents paid for it, and I'd feel terrible for wasting their money if I had to drop out.

Also, probably stupidly, I'm worried what people will think. There's still rather a big stigma around mental health, and it's really not all that understood. I'm worried that people will look down on me, or see me as something less because I can't cope with life. I guess I'm still struggling to acknowledge that this is an illness rather than me being pathetic and stupid and unable to cope with everyday life like 'normal' people. I don't want people to see me as 'that person who had to admit herself because she couldn't look after herself'.

I'm just scared generally. I don't want to lose friends, I don't want to be judged, and I don't want to have to stop my course, but at the moment it's looking like I might have to.

What I'm most scared of though, is that I'm losing a sense of myself. I feel like I'm losing who I am. Like in some of my more depressed states, I have no feelings, no emotions, no thoughts anymore. That I'm just this shell that looks like a person with nothing inside.

No matter how many times people tell me that of course they won't lose interest, I can't quite make myself believe it. I still have a little voice saying 'but who'd want to be friends with you when you're like this?' After all, no one would want to be friends with someone with no personality, right?