I feel like this depression has gone on for far too long. At the beginning of an illness people are very vocal and physical in their support, but after a number of months it dies down. I understand this - it gets tiring. People don't know what to say, they're not sure whether they should ask how you're feeling or if you want distracting, if you even want company as you've seemed so withdrawn and antisocial for a while.
Well here are some thoughts from my head.
Saying things like 'Let me know if you need anything' or 'I'm always here if you need someone to talk to' isn't very helpful, because I will NEVER take anyone up on that unless the world is actually about to explode. My brain tells me that no matter how sincerely they say it, how much they mean it, when it comes down to it no one actually expects anything to come from saying that, and they don't want someone calling up while they're in the middle of something just saying 'I feel sad. Everything is wrong and the world is rubbish and I want to cry for no reason.' It'd be awkward, people aren't sure how to respond to things like that - I don't think I'd know what to say in that scenario.
Inviting me somewhere is lovely when I'm in a good place. Times where I'm wobbly, or in a darker place I'm rather unlikely to accept invitations, or I might accept out of obligation only to cancel later because my brain thinks that no one would want to spend time with me when I'm like this. Or I don't feel like doing anything at the particular time, and I can't imagine what it'd feel like to want to go, because I forget that this feeling doesn't last forever. I also don't want to accept and then have to cancel because I have a down day when we've got things planned.
Visiting me is always good, but if I start feeling down or tired I won't necessarily be very good at asking you to leave unless you're a very close friend, and even then I still have some difficulty.
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The above was all written a couple of months ago, but not published. It's amazing how much things have changed since then. The dark places don't seem to happen anymore, they're low, slowed down places, but not nearly as scary.
On the other hand, I seem to have less and less motivation, even to do things I actively want to do, or know would be a good idea. I am putting everything off - things like applying for jobs I would absolutely love, and I have no idea why. I just can't be bothered. I have no structure, no reason to do anything. I'm getting worse and worse at getting up in the mornings too, often sleeping in or just lying in bed until around midday when I finally can't justify it any longer and start to beat myself up for having wasted half the day.
I also feel like dealing with depression has turned me into an introvert - where I used to get all of my energy from seeing others, now being with people for a long time just drains my energy. I still enjoy seeing people, I still have fun and love seeing my friends, but large groups of people, or seeing small numbers of them for a long period of time can drain my energy and make me want to have a nap or just curl up on my own with a book.
I feel a bit like like I've done two steps forward and one step back. I don't have the horribly dark thoughts anymore, which is amazing, but I'm also completely lacking in any sort of lust for life. Everything seems pointless and not worth it. I can't be bothered to do anything and have turned into a bit of a hermit, constantly on my computer as a way to interact with the world.
I'm worried that I'm making things quite hard for Azariah to deal with at the moment. He's still recovering himself, and I think trying to deal with me is quite draining for him and can be stressful. The last thing I want is to make things hard for him, and at the moment I think I'm being a bit clingy wanting to spend all my time with him because that's where I feel safest. I need to give him more space so that he has time to look after himself, and maybe start seeing other people more so I have other people who I feel safe with rather than putting everything on Azariah.
I need something to get up for in the mornings, and things I have to do during the days to give me some structure - that would hopefully help to get my sleeping pattern sorted out and give me some more energy during the day.
Anyway, I've rambled enough. Until next time!
There are so many distinct levels in getter better. And every time you get a bit better it is very easy to think that you're over the worst of it. That you're better and you're no excuse for being shit any more.
ReplyDeleteEvery time it feels that /this time/ you should be fixed and you beat yourself up over every way you're not perfect.
But then, weeks later, you get a bit better again. And suddenly you can look back over the last few weeks and see how ill you still were.
You've not taken two steps forward and one step back. You've taken one massive step forward. In a few weeks time you'll get a bit better again and realise that it wasn't your fault for feeling lethargic, apathetic and low. You were better than you had been before that, but still not as good as you will feel soon enough.
The same thing is likely to happen a few weeks after that too.
Look back at where you have been and be relieved, be proud and rejoice that you're not there any more. Look forward with hope, trust and faith at where you will be soon enough.
Look at yourself in the present with compassion and love and understanding that you aren't limited to the way you are now.
J
Xx
Thank you, that's exactly what happens. I feel better, and think I have no excuse for being rubbish anymore, then when I realise that I'm still I'll, I feel bad for still being like this, and I hate that I'm still like this. I feel like I should be better by now and I'm really pissed off at myself that I'm not. *sighs*
DeleteI'm trying to be compassionate to myself, I really am! It's not working very well at the moment though. Thank you so much, that was really helpful and lovely =)
This is why, if you can, seeing CBT or similar is great for that (so I've heard)- you make goals, tall about why you want to achieve, the benefits. You have someone helping you with the structure. And hey, if you don't manage, that's fine too, you try for less/smaller goals next week.
ReplyDeleteI know waiting for it can be a drain but if/when, sounds like it'd really help you
Yes, I've been having group CBT sessions for a while now, and they finished a couple of weeks ago. Luckily I've got private health insurance so I'm starting some one-on-one sessions to see if that helps some more. Fingers crossed!
DeleteDon't be too hard on yourself about the sleeping and getting up thing, you already know that that is unfortunately a part of depression. I don't know if you're someone who appreciates having something to read that gives you permission to feel less bad about things, but I definitely am, so here's something I read earlier that you might appreciate (and please say if it doesn't help). I realise title seems a little odd or potentially even gory, but it isn't. It does mention suicide though. :http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/new-forensic-technique-for-estimating-time-of-death-by-checking-internal-clock-of-the-human-brain-8614624.html
ReplyDeleteThank you. Yes, I did know that, but my brain tells me that I should be better by now and this not-getting-up thing is just laziness. Silly brain. Thanks for the article, it was interesting! I did think or trying one of those light boxes to get me up in the morning -maybe that might help with the sleep-cycle!
DeleteWith the sleeping. Something I've found which can sometimes work is forcing yourself to get up early (maybe 7) and stay awake for 20 minutes at least, but then let yourself nap if you need to. Waking up for at least that long will start to shift your sleeping patterns, but napping means your not pushing too much. I've also found the permission to go back to bed and hide after 20 minutes makes those 20 minutes easier.
DeleteThis as worked for me at times, but not always. At the moment it isn't working, but you may have some luck.
J
Thanks for the advice =) I tried that this morning - woke up at 8:35, managed to stay awake til 9:10, then went back to sleep but didn't wake up again 'til 11:30, and even then I felt like I was physically dragging myself out of unconsciousness. Waking up was so physically and mentally exhausting! All of my dreams were about being tired and trying to wake up but failing as well, so I feel like I did that about 10 times this morning! I then didn't manage to actually get up until a friend texted me at 12:40. =/
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