...

Azariah and I broke up. He said that he can't look after me and look after himself as much as he needs to at the moment, and though he didn't want to it was best for him if he wasn't in a relationship at the moment, because he felt guilty for not spending enough time with me as it was. He finds seeing me draining right now and that's not what I want. All I want is for him to be happy.

As understandable as all of this is, it still fucking hurts. I cried for most of the evening yesterday, and went back to a dark place I haven't been in for a while. I had lots of self-harming thoughts that were scary. He made me phone the priory and drove me to a friend's house so I'd have someone with me. He's still so caring and thoughtful and wonderful, which just makes me see what I'm losing. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I still do. All I want is to be with him and make him happy.

I'm feeling better than I was last night, I'm just blaming myself for a lot of it. If I hadn't put my problems on him, maybe he'd have been able to cope better. If I hadn't gone round yesterday when I was feeling low maybe that wouldn't have happened. If only I'd talked to other people about my feelings maybe he wouldn't have had so much to deal with.  

I'm finding it incredibly hard to accept that it's all over, that that future will no longer happen. I've lost so much in him, and I think it's all my fault. I hate that I've done this to him. I love him so much, and I feel like my insides have been torn out.