So apparently my family read my blog and consider it 'libelous' that I write about them and how they affect me. Well that's a joke. It's only libelous if what I write is untrue, and I told them that I'd willingly take something down if they didn't like it. My sister has told me that she hates me because of my blog and the fact that I've written about her, and says I'm really selfish for making everything about me and how upset I am. As if I'm 'just a bit upset' and making a big deal out of things. Um, hello - I have a mental illness. It's my blog about my life! If you want to block your ears about my depression and my struggle to recover then don't read the blog, and just live in blissful ignorance believing that everything's fine. Oh, and how about not upsetting me, and I won't have to write about it?
So, allegedly they all read it, yet no one has ever commented on the self-harming, suicidal ideation or the rape. Everyone just wants to pretend that it's all ok. They just had an argument with me about how it's fine to use the word gay as an adjective to mean rubbish/stupid (and actually said they meant it to mean 'lame' - hooray, ableist language! If you're not sure why I object to use of the word gay, read this:
http://www.shakesville.com/2006/07/theres-no-good-way-to-use-fag.html
http://www.shakesville.com/2006/07/theres-no-good-way-to-use-fag.html
Trigger warning: self harm
Since the depression I've tried to avoid confrontation, because it puts my brain in that really dark place that's hard to escape from. When I got up to leave the argument I was told that I was obviously leaving because they were right... *rolls eyes* I put out a cry for help on facebook but no one was about. There's some blood now and I'm feeling quite a lot calmer, but it's not quite enough. I'm not numb yet. I need to see more blood to quiet my brain and stop the cacophony going on in there.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry. This is supposed to be a safe space and they have at once ruined it and completely devalued everything you are feeling. Is it possible for you to not have contact with them until you feel stronger? They sound manipulative and very destructive to you - the 'leaving because we are right' is transparently designed to make you stay and to make you question your own motivations for wanting to leave.
ReplyDeleteM x
Thank you, I stayed by myself for the rest of the day. Stayed in my room in the morning until I was able to speak to someone online - Azariah was free and encouraged me to go outside for a walk along the beach, which helped me feel a bit better and clear my head, and then I had some lunch, and went back to my room and read my book for the rest of the day so I didn't have to deal with them. Everyone pretended nothing had happened the next day and for the rest of the holiday, and mum and dad were acting as though everything was normal. Julia ignored me for a day and then was fine with me again, and when I tried to talk to her about it she didn't seem to want to. I tried apologising for having written about her and said I was happy to take things down, but she obviously wanted to pretend nothing had happened so I didn't push it.
DeleteIf you need to escape just drop us a line, I'm sure you'd be welcome for a while if it helps.
ReplyDeleteThe dweller from below the sex loft.
Thank you =) Now that I'm back in the UK and away from the situation I think I should be a lot better (and rehearsals for the next G&S thing start this week and may be pretty manic), but I'd love to see you guys more often, so may come up and visit sometime soon. =)
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