Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation.
Ok I just did something stupid. I was at a birthday party, everything was going fine until Azariah turned up, and I just couldn't cope. When I managed to actually talk to him all I wanted to do was kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. I thought I was doing so well - this week had been really pretty good and I had hardly been thinking about him until today. Seeing him just brought it all back though - I got a lump in my throat, I felt sick, like I'd been punched in the stomach and just couldn't cope. I went inside and cried a lot, and eventually just had to leave.
I drove home and all I could think about was where I could crash my car safely enough not to harm anyone else, but fast enough to hurt or kill myself. I didn't, or I wouldn't be writing this.
I got home and was about to go on facebook and put out a cry for help, but then thought 'fuck that, I'm just going to cut myself'. I went upstairs and found the scalpel I'd bought a while ago to try cutting in a BDSM sense. Put on sterile gloves, sterilised the area and then made some cuts. The relief once the blood started welling up was enormous, and so calming. I just wanted to sit there watching it bleed. I can now understand why people do it. I cleaned the blood off and applied a dressing, so it's all fine medically.
Afterwards my head felt quieter, and a little numb. I can now think without my mind just screaming. I don't have many thoughts or feelings right now, which is actually quite nice.
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