Argh, hide me from the terrifying nudity!

What's so wrong with just being naked? Society seems to want us to be ashamed of our bodies and cover them up with anyone other than ourselves and our (one and only) partner. I just don't see the reason why. Our bodies are just the casings that stop our blood and guts from falling out. Yes, they're different shapes and sizes depending on how much they need to fit inside. Some of them have different bits attached to them to hold different things. And they're wonderfully clever, well-engineered things which have taken thousands of years of evolution to produce  - so why do we have to hide them?

I think being naked can help people to become more comfortable with their own bodies - covering them up only helps to add to the idea that our bodies are dirty, shameful secrets that no one should see. The way the media eroticises nudity only helps to add to the idea that being naked is either naughty or erotic and no one except you and your partner should ever see it. Which is damaging - there are so many people with issues about body confidence because people are taught to be ashamed of their bodies, especially the 'naughty bits'. Even the terminology is damaging. For someone to learn that some parts of themselves are ok and some are not creates a weird, unhealthy relationship with parts of their bodies. Certain parts are seen as always erotic, no matter what the context. There've been cases of people being taken to court for owning pictures of their spouses breastfeeding their child - because obviously a breast in the picture makes it erotic and therefore child porn! I mean, what the hell?!



Happily, I got to the point over the last year where I'm now in a really happy, comfortable relationship with my body and how I view myself. I've no idea how much I weigh (I never really got the idea of using weight as a measure of health) and I don't care. If I'm happy with my body and feel healthy, then that's what matters.

I'm really pretty happy with my body. Not in a 'I'm so proud of it, it's amazing, I want to show it off' sort of way, but in a 'it's just a body, what's the big deal?' kind of way. I'm don't have that many feelings one way or the other about it. It's just the casing that keeps by blood and guts from spilling everywhere, and well... it looks like a body. I've become a lot more happy being naked - when I'm at Azariah's house I don't bother putting on clothes at night if I get up to go to the toilet. If his mum or dad see me naked, well, they see me naked. It's just a naked body! They've got them, they have children so have presumably seen other people naked before, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't care or make a big deal about it.


If I see a person getting changed, I don't get automatically turned on. If I fancy them - find them amusing, intelligent and intriguing - then that might change my response. I can appreciate body forms that I find aesthetically pleasing, but without the mental interaction it's not sexy, just 'oh, that's pretty!' The more attracted to someone I am mentally, the more attractive I find them physically. The mental side plays a huuuuge part in attraction for me.

There've been lots of times recently where I've been hot and sweaty, and Azariah has taken his top off. I went to do the same, and then realised that I might get reported for doing exactly the same as him. Because obviously my chest is inherently sexual, whereas his isn't. Well y'know what? I'm fed up of it. I want to be naked if it's too hot, and it not be seen as some sort of act of rebellion or anarchy. It's just skin, and sometimes it's too hot to wear clothes. Or I can't be bothered to get dressed. But I'm not trying to be 'sexy' or 'erotic', or prove some kind of point about feminism not having reached its goals yet (there's a lot that could be said about that, but I'll leave it for another post), I just want people to start viewing bodies as just that - bodies. No body part is inherently sexy or erotic, eroticism depends on the context, the relationship between the people involved, the way they feel about themselves and the chemistry between those involved.

So, from now on, I'm going to care a bit less. If I'm round at someone's house and feel hot I'll ask if they'd mind me taking a layer off. I'm not going out of my way to make others uncomfortable, but I don't want to feel uncomfortable either. I won't be wandering the streets naked anytime soon, but I do wish that that were an option if I wanted it to be.

Soppy lovey dovey submissive stuff.

So I tried to write some poems last week. One morning I couldn't get any ideas out at all. I thought I'd try just writing a stream of consciousness and see what came out, and maybe I could make something of whatever was going on in my mind. This is what came out:


Azariah

You are my rock, my crutch to lean on when times are hard. You know me better than I know myself. I trust you completely because I know you wouldn't do anything to harm me. I am yours completely to do with what you wish. If you choose to ignore me, hurt me, or cast me aside, I know it's because you have my best interests at heart, and though it might be hard to understand in those moments, your actions always turn out to be what I needed most at the time. I do not feel worthy of being yours, but I will do everything in my power to keep you happy and make you proud of me. When you need someone to lean on, you only have to call me and I'll be there, and I will do my best to make sure you don't have to call. I am yours to make you happy, whatever that may take. You are incredible, you take my breath away. I don't have words enough to describe my depth of feelings for you. All I can do is give you myself. All that I am, I give to you. I love you, Sir. In my eyes you are perfect.

This is pretty hard to write.

Trigger warning for rape/abuse.

Ok, this might be a bit too close for comfort for some. Others will probably know the person I'm talking about despite the use of pseudonyms. It's a bit explicit in places. If you think it might make you feel uncomfortable I'd stop now. Have some tea and kittens instead...

_____


Right. Okay.

When I was in University, I met someone I'll call Julian. We were performing in a panto together, and he seemed funny. I little odd and quirky, sometimes a bit annoying, but we had a giggle together.

One day I went over to the halls he was staying in at Uni. We sat and drank tea in his kitchen, I said hi to some of his flatmates, and we ate some cakey thing - I don't remember what it was. Then we went into his room and ended up kissing. After that he told me that when he first met me he knew we'd end up doing this. I found that a little bit arrogant, but also thought that nerves after just kissing someone for the first time can sometimes make you say things you wouldn't normally. Looking back I probably should have heard the alarm bells then, but they were too small for me to actually worry about anything.

There's a bit of a gap in my memory here - the next bit I remember is lying on the floor while his fingers were inside me, feeling decidedly uncomfortable and knowing that I didn't really want this, but I didn't want to make him feel bad, and I thought it wasn't doing any harm - he'd get bored soon and stop surely. I felt nervous and a little pressured, but not out of my depth. I wasn't scared.

Then he got out a condom and put it on his cock. There wasn't any talking. He didn't ask me if I wanted to have sex, or check for my consent. I think he interpreted my silence as consent enough - I hadn't said no, so I couldn't have a problem with this, right? At this point I knew I definitely didn't want to have sex with him, but I thought 'well he's opened the packet now, he'll be annoyed if he's wasted it. I can't really say no after I let him have his fingers inside me, he'll expect me to have sex with him now...'

I tensed up. I didn't want sex, I didn't want to offend him by saying no, I thought he'd think that I'd led him on, teased him. I was still lying on my back, but I sat up and backed away from him, hoping he'd take it as a hint. He crawled forward until he was positioned above me. I tensed up. I couldn't talk. I clamped my cunt muscles closed as tightly as I could, thinking that if he couldn't get it inside it just wouldn't happen and he'd give up.

He tried to force himself inside me. He couldn't get more than the head inside. He tried again a few times, laughing at his inability to get inside. I didn't say anything. I'm not sure I could've.

After a few more tries he gave up, took the condom off and that was it. I didn't feel like I'd been raped, I just thought that that sort of thing sometimes happened if one person wanted sex and the other didn't. I left his place and have never seen him since.

Looking back, with hindsight and a lot more knowledge about consent, I was raped. It wasn't the pantomime villain in an alleyway with a knife, it was someone I knew, in the middle of the day, after tea and cakes. I wasn't kicking and screaming, struggling or held down. But I didn't consent. I wasn't even asked whether I wanted any of this, it was just either a naive assumption that because I hadn't said stop that I wanted him to carry on, or he realised that I wasn't into it but decided to carry on unless I said no - that way justifying it in his head. I really hope it was the former, but I tried to physically push him away, remove myself from the situation, and at no point did I say yes (or any variant thereof).

This happened quite a few years ago, and I only remembered it in March this year, at which point I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, my guts had been pulled out and I was going to vomit. I was confused, because I hadn't said no, so it couldn't have been rape right? And it was someone I knew! Also lots of my friends know him, think he's nice or funny or odd, and nice people with friends can't be rapists surely.

The trouble is that everyone knows him. I don't feel like I can tell anyone (except a few close friends) in case they think I'm making it up, or I'm exaggerating, etc. Every time his name has been mentioned since I remembered this incident, I shut down. I feel hollow, like there's a sinking emptiness in my stomach. I lose the ability to talk. I feel like curling up and crying, and most of the time I have to make my excuses (non-verbally) and get away from the conversation.

I've been to two weddings in the last few weeks. At the end of the night after the first wedding, his name was mentioned. Not just his name, but also the fact that he was a bit odd, and had written a load of stories about rape. It was right at the end, and I had about half an hour of being unable to speak. People asked if I was ok and I just nodded or gave a thumbs up. I couldn't say anything.

The following weekend at the start of the reception he was brought up again. The conversation went on for a good 5 minutes about his 'hilarious' stories, weird cooking habits and generally just how amusing people find him. I had to find a close friend and just hold her hand for a while without speaking. After I'd recovered from that, an hour or so later he was mentioned again in another conversation with a separate group of friends!

It seems that he's being mentioned around me more and more often, and I need to find a way to deal with my reactions to him so that I'm able to hear his name without completely shutting down. Maybe writing this will help. Julian raped me.

Fraud

There's nothing that seems to be wrong, nothing that should be making me depressed - am I just making this up?
I'm relatively healthy, have wonderful friends and partners, am about to start a second university degree and can't think of any reason why I should feel like this.

I feel like a fraud. I feel like I don't really have depression, that I'm just making it up because I'm lazy, or want sympathy, or can't be bothered to do things. I don't know.

Logically of course I know that I'm not - I rarely get a day where I don't feel like crying at some point, for no apparent reason. Sometimes even the idea of eating is an overwhelming, insurmountable task. I'll be hungry, sometimes go as far as actually making food, but once it's in front of me I just have no motivation to eat it. I just feel pathetic at not being able to do something as simple as feeding myself.

I had to go to be put on a higher dose of antidepressants recently because I couldn't get through a day without feeling like curling up and crying. Since then I haven't had quite as much of the needing-to-cry feeling, but I still have no idea why I feel like this, it just doesn't make any sense. I feel stupid for feeling like this with no apparent reason.

Addendum - it doesn't seem like it's actually getting any better, just after writing this I got another wave of depression. I can barely move my limbs or speak it's such a big effort. I'm just sitting on the sofa watching shit on the TV. Writing this addendum has taken a ridiculous amount of effort and about 10 minutes. What the hell is wrong with me? This is pathetic.

Extra addendum: When the wave of depression comes all I can do is curl up and cry, sometimes even that feels like too much effort. I'm worried that I'm losing who I was, that the depression is taking over and the happy fun girl I normally am will be trapped inside unable to get out again. I'm worried that my friends will see the change in me and realise I'm not worth being friends with anymore, that I'm a different person - someone who's constantly down, crying, not going out to social gatherings and I'll lose touch with them. I'm scared that Azariah won't want to be with me any more because I'm constantly crying and feeling down and bringing him down, that I'm not fun to be around any more. I know that all these feelings are just the depression talking, and logically I know that it'll go away and that these thoughts and feelings aren't real, but they seem so very real. 

I also had a scary thought today. I wondered what it'd feel like to cut myself, not to hurt or try to kill myself, just because I'd really like to see and feel the blood trickling out. I realise this is a stupid thought, and won't carry through with it, but I just feel so numb right now, and the idea of seeing and feeling the crimson escaping is fascinating. Right I'm going to get off the internet and go outside and try to get rid of these ridiculous thoughts.

I like weirdness =P

Azariah has shaved his armpits. He normally trims the hair a bit because he doesn't like it huuuugely long, and he just thought he'd try shaving it all off and see what that was like. And y'know what? I kinda like it! It's different, and isn't what you expect to see on a guy. I don't dislike unshaved armpits on men, it's just what you expect to see, I don't really have any feelings on them. 

So it turns out I'm attracted to things which aren't in the mainstream - who'da thunk it? =P Ok, so I probably should have realised this sooner - I generally go for 'alternative' folk, whatever that means anyway (whether it's their lifestyle, world views, dress sense, hair length/colour, tattoos, piercings, etc) but I just thought that was, well... normal!

It seems odd that I needed him to point out the fact that I like things because they're unnexpected, different, and a little bit quirky. I honestly hadn't really given it much thought before the other day, but Azariah mentioned that he'd noticed that he liked people and things which were different (I'm not exactly your stereotypical mainstream gal) and that I obviously did too.

That's not to say that I dislike all mainstream things, or that I judge more conventional people negatively, just that I tend to gravitate towards those who're, well... a little bit different. =)

M/s, rain & happiness

Azariah and I went out for a meal the night before last, while in our M/s state, which meant I had to follow the rules we've agreed upon so far - waiting until he sits down before sitting down myself, , not looking him in the eyes (quick glances are ok, staring is not), etc. He also asked me to recommend a wine to go with his meal. I panicked a bit. I know nothing about wines except that I don't like most of them.

Before we arrived there he told me his pin and said I had to remember it, as I'd be paying with his card, and I wasn't allowed to forget it. I spent most of the walk there chanting the numbers to myself in my head.

We talked about how he'd like me to be eventually, once he's introduced all the rules - I'll have to learn to know when he wants a drink and what he wants without asking, be able to choose wines to go with meals, and if we're entertaining I'll need to know when to bring in food or drink without asking, see when people want more drinks and see to them, guage when people are getting bored of a conversation topic and be able to subtley steer it onto something different.

I'm also going ot need to learn when it's ok to be a bit cheeky and silly and when he's not in the mood for it. When it's ok for me to switch and when it's not. When we're together in public I'm not to look obviously subby, I'm just not to look at his eyes. I'm not allowed to answer a question with 'I don't know' (I often do this when asked what I want to do or eat etc - I'm pretty indecisive) I need to give an answer of some sort.

I'll need to know what food he feels like and when, and be able to order for him. This is going to be a lot of work!

At the end of the meal the waiter came over with the card machine and I typed in Azariah's pin. As I did so I looked up and saw him mouth 'fuck'. He told me he'd never given anyone that information before - it was a big thing for him. He  put his hand on his chest and said it gave him a warm feeling there. *smiles*

While we were in the restaurant it started raining. Raining is a bit of an understatement - the water was running down the road in streams! We had to walk back. We got the the door, and strode outside into the rain. Y'know what? It was amazing! We justs walked along, hand-in-hand, getting absolutely soaked. Azariah pulled me in and kissed me. We stood there kissing in the rain for some time.

'You've broken me' he said. 'We're not meant to like being in the rain. People walk fast, with their heads down, and hate it. This is brilliant. Tabboos are brilliant. I love you so much, it scares me sometimes.'

'I feel so free with you. I'm with you, but I'm not tied down, I'm my own person and I can do what I like, and you trust me to make the right choices. And you're free to do exactly as you like and I trust that you'll do the right thing. Even if it's breaking up with me, I trust you to do it in the most loving way possible.'

We both strolled back in the pouring rain just beaming and holding hands. And later I just grabbed him and kissed him. "That was very forward of you" he said, but not disapprovingly. As we walked back he took his top off. The confidence he walked with was so attractive. I pushed him up against a lamppost and kissed him, dragging my nails accross his skin and pulling his hair to make him whimper. Oh yeah, I might've switched a bit. =P

When we got to my front door Azariah leaned against the wall, topless and dripping wet and innocently said "Can I help you?"

Teasingly, I said he looked awfully wet and cold and he should come inside to warm up. There was more kissing and scratching and I cheesily said "We'd better get you out of those wet clothes..."

Azariah told me that was possibly the corniest, tackiest chat-up line ever. I pointed out that if you'd got to the topless, almost ripping each others' clothes off stage then it didn't really matter what you said, he was hardly going to say 'hold on, that was terrible, get out'.

I think you can all imagine what happened next. (No, he didn't tell me to get out...)

New job nerves!

I'm starting a new job tomorrow! I'll be working with The Challenge, supervising a group of 12 16 year olds from different social & economic backgrounds but the same area of Birmignham. Most of the days I'll be working from 7am 'til 11pm. We've been told that when physical fights occur we're not expected to get involved physically to break them up. Not if. When...
So, it's going to be pretty knackering! There are going to be culture clashes, disagreements, arguments, kids with special needs, disruptive or trouble-making children and ones who just don't care or don't want to be there.
I've got to be approachable, motivating, respected enough for them to follow my rules and listen to what I say, yet still fun so that they want to join in rather than just make trouble.
I'm nervous to say the least, but also excited. It could be amazing and rewarding, or overwhelming and disheartening. I really hope it's the former.
I'm nervous as to how well I'll cope given the affect the antidepressants seem to be having on me. Maybe I'll just be so busy that I won't have time to feel shit!
Fingers crossed that it all goes awesomely!