Patriarchy strikes again!

So, Jacques came over today. We were having a lovely time - we'd watched TV episodes, eaten food, and then we started playing a bit. It was lots of fun, until my brain decided to remind me of Azariah and I was rather overwhelmed with feelings.

I put my hand up and asked J to hang on a minute. He asked if I was ok, and I shook my head. He immediately jumped off me, sat down beside me and just held me while I cried. There was no pressure to explain anything - he was so lovely and understanding. He told me that I should know that it was always ok to stop if I was feeling bad, (or for any reason) and it was equally fine not to start anything.

I surprised myself by being pleasantly surprised at his reaction. I still don't expect people to actually stop like that when I ask them them to - I expect them to slow down, to stop but stay where they are waiting for us to be able to carry on, or other alternatives that aren't simply stopping.

I was shocked at how internalised societal ideas can become - I'd internalised the idea that my 'no' will not be listened to first time, that I will have to repeat it, be forceful, or make excuses. Outside a relationship, it still surprises me when people care about me more than whether or not they'll get laid. When men especially don't have that as their number one priority.

Hooray for the patriarchy!

Rape culture teaches us that women are to blame if we get raped, for 'leading men on', wearing clothing that mean we're 'asking for it', for being alone at night, for saying yes to something else but not to sex, for being drunk, etc etc. This list goes on. This assumes that all men's default status is rapist. That they have no control over their actions, and that their sole aim in any encounter is to have sex, whether the woman is consenting or not. This does not give them any credit for, y'know, being human beings rather than robots. For having feelings, a conscience, empathy, etc.

I'm so glad that the friends I have are able to prove society wrong. I'm lucky to have such lovely people in my life.

Feelings (again...)

I still miss Azariah so much. I still love him so much. I haven't seen him in over a month now, and he doesn't seem to want to meet up with me. Hopefully I'm just reading things into this that aren't there, but I asked him if we could meet up for a catch-up, and he asked whether I was sure that meeting him wouldn't make things more difficult for me. I said that I wasn't sure at all, but I missed him and wanted to see him. He said that he'd think about it over the weekend and get back to me. He didn't.

Later that week I found something of his and texted him to tell him, and we arranged to meet up the next weekend for a catch-up and I could give him his things then. The day before, he texted me to cancel because things had come up. I haven't heard from him since.

I want to be able to get on with my life but everything I do in some way makes me think of him. I can't even sleep without dreaming about him half the time, which makes waking up all the more painful when the reality hits. The dreams aren't even of being with him, just of being able to phone him up and chat. Just both of us acknowledging that this is hard, and that we still care about each other. He was such a huge part of my life, he helped me in so many ways and now that's all gone. When we broke up he told me that he still wanted me to be a part of his life, that he cared about me a great deal and just couldn't deal with a romantic relationship at the time. Now it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all, and that hurts so much. Living on my own and being alone with my thoughts all the time really doesn't help.



This next bit is probably waaaay too much information, so if you're family, or don't want to know rather intimate details, stop reading now...



I can't even fucking masturbate any more. The last time I tried I ended up almost suicidal. Azariah was the first person I ever had an orgasm with. He was the person who helped me get over my shame around masturbation, and allowed me to be able to enjoy myself without all the guilt I'd always felt around it. He was the first person I squirted with. God that's definitely tmi. Sorry. Fuck it. He's the first person I had any form of d/s relationship with, and the only person I've ever felt was my 'Sir'. I wasn't able to cum without him either telling me to, or doing something specific to help me get there.

I've lost all interest in anything vaguely kink or sex-related because it doesn't involve him. I don't want to sub to anyone that isn't him, and he's the only person I've ever really wanted to domme. I can't even imagine wanting to do any of those things with anyone else. There's just absolutely no appeal.



Right, I'm not going to go back and proof-read this because I definitely won't post it. Sorry for the rambley trains of thought that come out of my mind sometimes. I've been keeping all of this inside for far too long and just need to get it out somewhere, even if no one ever reads this. I love him, I miss him, and it hurts so damn much.

'Fixing' people

Often if I'm feeling depressed, upset, or just a little low or unsure, I tend to get quite quiet, and become a little uncommunicative. Ok, a lot. I just want to curl up and be hugged or soothed until I feel better. Often when I'm in that state I don't really know what is wrong, or if I do, I don't always want to talk about it.

There seem to be people who want to know why I'm feeling like this, so that they can try and 'fix' it, and people who just hug me and say 'it's going to be ok'.


People have different ways of reacting to me being like this: there's asking if I'm ok; asking what's wrong; giving me space and leaving me alone, asking what they can do to help, and coming over and just holding/hugging/stroking me.

In this mood, there's only really one of these which is of any use to me. 

If asked if I'm ok, and you're not a very close friend (or sometimes even if you are, I'm feeling really down), I'll just nod, or say that I'm fine, or just tired. It's generally obvious from my body language that I'm not ok, but I'm not usually in a place to discuss feelings - my brain is not in that sort of place in those moments.

Similar things tend to happen if I'm asked what's wrong - half the time I won't have the faintest idea why I've started feeling low. Maybe something triggered an upsetting memory, in which case I'll know, but it may just be a sudden low mood because of no enough energy (social, mental, or physical). This is more likely to get the answer out of me than the former, but is still not a great option.

Leaving me alone. Though I generally don't actually want to talk about what's wrong at the time, being left completely alone when obviously feeling down makes me feel ignored, lonely, or not cared about. I know that this isn't the case, but when I'm feeling crap anyway, it's easy for my brain to think that.

Asking what you can do to help, while a lovely gesture, isn't very helpful. There's nothing you can do apart from just hold/hug/stroke me, and when I'm feeling low and uncommunicative, I'm unlikely to be able to communicate that need, because I feel that you may not want to do that and I'd be imposing somehow. Yes I know, silly brain can give me silly ideas sometimes.

The last option - just holding/hugging/stroking me - is by far the best. I don't want my thoughts and feelings dissected and examined when I'm feeling low, there's generally nothing that can be done aside from waiting it out or being distracted, but being held just reminds me that people care for me and everything will be okay, even if I do feel a bit low sometimes.

In short, you don't need to 'do' anything. You don't need to try and 'fix' any problems, or work out what is wrong, or what you can do to help. I just need a hug.

Doctor Who and female role-models in the media

So, the 12th Doctor has been revealed. If you're trying to avoid the knowledge of who it is until the show airs, I'd advise you to stop reading now... Go on, off you go.

Right.

I'm not complaining about the choice of the particular actor, or say that he wouldn't make a great doctor, but I must admit to still being a little disappointed at the doctor being yet another white male, while the women in the show are still relegated to 'companion' status. Why not a person of colour, or a doctor of a different gender? Yes, yes, they say they picked 'the best actor for the job' - but they didn't even hold casting calls this time. Moffatt said that he had the idea of Peter Capaldi, called him to his house to try out being the doctor, videoed the result, showed it to the rest of the team and they decided to cast him. They didn't give anyone else a chance, and I bet an actor of colour or another gender didn't even cross Mofatt's mind.

It's well known that he's not exactly progressive in his views,and this shows more and more throughout his episodes. Almost every female character has now been defined by her reproductive organs or her dependence on a man, and having virtually no agency of their own. I'm getting tired of such a lack of decent female representation in the media - of having to actively search such things out, rather than being able to just watch something and see women who are shown as fully-rounded characters with their own agencies rather than sexist tropes and stereotypes.

This

So apparently my family read my blog and consider it 'libelous' that I write about them and how they affect me. Well that's a joke. It's only libelous if what I write is untrue, and I told them that I'd willingly take something down if they didn't like it. My sister has told me that she hates me because of my blog and the fact that I've written about her, and says I'm really selfish for making everything about me and how upset I am. As if I'm 'just a bit upset' and making a big deal out of things. Um, hello - I have a mental illness. It's my blog about my life! If you want to block your ears about my depression and my struggle to recover then don't read the blog, and just live in blissful ignorance believing that everything's fine. Oh, and how about not upsetting me, and I won't have to write about it?

So, allegedly they all read it, yet no one has ever commented on the self-harming, suicidal ideation or the rape. Everyone just wants to pretend that it's all ok. They just had an argument with me about how it's fine to use the word gay as an adjective to mean rubbish/stupid (and actually said they meant it to mean 'lame' - hooray, ableist language! If you're not sure why I object to use of the word gay, read this:
http://www.shakesville.com/2006/07/theres-no-good-way-to-use-fag.html

Trigger warning: self harm

Since the depression I've tried to avoid confrontation, because it puts my brain in that really dark place that's hard to escape from. When I got up to leave the argument I was told that I was obviously leaving because they were right... *rolls eyes* I put out a cry for help on facebook but no one was about. There's some blood now and I'm feeling quite a lot calmer, but it's not quite enough. I'm not numb yet. I need to see more blood to quiet my brain and stop the cacophony going on in there.

A bit of a rant

So I'm on holiday, in a place most people would love to be - white sandy beaches, palm trees, the lot - but I still feel like crap. I've been getting dizzy basically every day now at about the same time, and I'm pissed off. Doctors still don't know what it is or why it keeps happening, and every time it happens it makes me feel upset, a bit scared, and also angry. I'm angry that my body is doing this to me, that I can't just have a normal holiday with my family without stupid health problems. Any time I mention it to my parents they get all worried and overprotective and make a big deal out of it, which just makes me feel worse because they're making it into a 'thing', which I should be worried about.

Then there's just general crapness - I have dreams about Azariah and his family every single night, which obviously affect my mood when I wake up. Every little thing reminds me of him and the fact that I'm not with him any more, and that hurts so much. Every single bloody song on the radio or by the live bands is about love in some way, and I'm finding it really hard just to swallow the emotions down and pretend that everything's ok. Because this is a holiday, and I should be enjoying myself, and not moping or being depressed or feeling down.

Also I feel so lonely. My parents have each other to chat to, my sisters are very close to each other due to their age and I feel completely out of my depth with the way they communicate with each other. So much of their 'banter' just isn't how I communicate, and some of it genuinely sounds like insults. A few times now there have been remarks that have made me want to cry, not because they were directly hurtful to me, but because of what they imply about their beliefs. There was pointing and laughing at people for being fat. We saw a woman breastfeeding, and a huge deal was made about how 'gross' and 'disgusting' it was having her breast out in public, and how she should go somewhere private to do that sort of thing. Those sort of comments just make my blood boil, and there's so much I want to say about those views, but I don't feel emotionally able to cope with the arguments right now, and so I feel bad for not saying anything. It also seems a lot of the time like my sisters are deliberately trying to pick arguments with me or prove me wrong, so I've gone back to my default family setting of not really saying anything, and just giving in when people contradict me in order to avoid conflict.

I've also had really bad period pains the last couple of days, which haven't helped anything, and yesterday evening I had a complete breakdown. My emotions have been all over the place for a few days now. During the daytime my sister had used the word gay to mean rubbish/stupid, and when I asked her not to, she was quite aggressive and just said 'l can speak how I want.' I had to leave the table and go to the toilets to cry. Later we'd been listening to live music, and lots of songs were about love and I couldn't cope with that. Then I also got dizzy and came back to my room and had a good cry. I made some lychee tea to calm down, and was just about to drink it when I noticed that it contained tannins, which I've been having a bad reacting to recently, so I couldn't even drink it. That was the last straw. My brain just went to a bad place. I wanted to cry and smash things and cut myself - the only reasons I didn't was that I didn't have anything with me to sterilize the area or the implement. 

Oh yeah, and I managed to gain a stalker. *sighs* I'm too knackered to write a abut that now though, so that'll have to wait until another update.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been down the whole time - most of the time I've enjoyed what we've been doing, but it's like the enjoyment happens while I'm doing something, and then is gone again and I'm back to my baseline of emotional feeling which I can only describe as 'meh'. But I suppose at least I'm able to experience enjoyment now, even if it is only temporary.

You might not want to read this.

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation.

Ok I just did something stupid. I was at a birthday party, everything was going fine until Azariah turned up, and I just couldn't cope. When I managed to actually talk to him all I wanted to do was kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. I thought I was doing so well - this week had been really pretty good and I had hardly been thinking about him until today.  Seeing him just brought it all back though - I got a lump in my throat, I felt sick, like I'd been punched in the stomach and just couldn't cope. I went inside and cried a lot, and eventually just had to leave.

I drove home and all I could think about was where I could crash my car safely enough not to harm anyone else, but fast enough to hurt or kill myself. I didn't, or I wouldn't be writing this.

I got home and was about to go on facebook and put out a cry for help, but then thought 'fuck that, I'm just going to cut myself'. I went upstairs and found the scalpel I'd bought a while ago to try cutting in a BDSM sense. Put on sterile gloves, sterilised the area and then made some cuts. The relief once the blood started welling up was enormous, and so calming. I just wanted to sit there watching it bleed. I can now understand why people do it. I cleaned the blood off and applied a dressing, so it's all fine medically.

Afterwards my head felt quieter, and a little numb. I can now think without my mind just screaming. I don't have many thoughts or feelings right now, which is actually quite nice.