Fraud

There's nothing that seems to be wrong, nothing that should be making me depressed - am I just making this up?
I'm relatively healthy, have wonderful friends and partners, am about to start a second university degree and can't think of any reason why I should feel like this.

I feel like a fraud. I feel like I don't really have depression, that I'm just making it up because I'm lazy, or want sympathy, or can't be bothered to do things. I don't know.

Logically of course I know that I'm not - I rarely get a day where I don't feel like crying at some point, for no apparent reason. Sometimes even the idea of eating is an overwhelming, insurmountable task. I'll be hungry, sometimes go as far as actually making food, but once it's in front of me I just have no motivation to eat it. I just feel pathetic at not being able to do something as simple as feeding myself.

I had to go to be put on a higher dose of antidepressants recently because I couldn't get through a day without feeling like curling up and crying. Since then I haven't had quite as much of the needing-to-cry feeling, but I still have no idea why I feel like this, it just doesn't make any sense. I feel stupid for feeling like this with no apparent reason.

Addendum - it doesn't seem like it's actually getting any better, just after writing this I got another wave of depression. I can barely move my limbs or speak it's such a big effort. I'm just sitting on the sofa watching shit on the TV. Writing this addendum has taken a ridiculous amount of effort and about 10 minutes. What the hell is wrong with me? This is pathetic.

Extra addendum: When the wave of depression comes all I can do is curl up and cry, sometimes even that feels like too much effort. I'm worried that I'm losing who I was, that the depression is taking over and the happy fun girl I normally am will be trapped inside unable to get out again. I'm worried that my friends will see the change in me and realise I'm not worth being friends with anymore, that I'm a different person - someone who's constantly down, crying, not going out to social gatherings and I'll lose touch with them. I'm scared that Azariah won't want to be with me any more because I'm constantly crying and feeling down and bringing him down, that I'm not fun to be around any more. I know that all these feelings are just the depression talking, and logically I know that it'll go away and that these thoughts and feelings aren't real, but they seem so very real. 

I also had a scary thought today. I wondered what it'd feel like to cut myself, not to hurt or try to kill myself, just because I'd really like to see and feel the blood trickling out. I realise this is a stupid thought, and won't carry through with it, but I just feel so numb right now, and the idea of seeing and feeling the crimson escaping is fascinating. Right I'm going to get off the internet and go outside and try to get rid of these ridiculous thoughts.

I like weirdness =P

Azariah has shaved his armpits. He normally trims the hair a bit because he doesn't like it huuuugely long, and he just thought he'd try shaving it all off and see what that was like. And y'know what? I kinda like it! It's different, and isn't what you expect to see on a guy. I don't dislike unshaved armpits on men, it's just what you expect to see, I don't really have any feelings on them. 

So it turns out I'm attracted to things which aren't in the mainstream - who'da thunk it? =P Ok, so I probably should have realised this sooner - I generally go for 'alternative' folk, whatever that means anyway (whether it's their lifestyle, world views, dress sense, hair length/colour, tattoos, piercings, etc) but I just thought that was, well... normal!

It seems odd that I needed him to point out the fact that I like things because they're unnexpected, different, and a little bit quirky. I honestly hadn't really given it much thought before the other day, but Azariah mentioned that he'd noticed that he liked people and things which were different (I'm not exactly your stereotypical mainstream gal) and that I obviously did too.

That's not to say that I dislike all mainstream things, or that I judge more conventional people negatively, just that I tend to gravitate towards those who're, well... a little bit different. =)

M/s, rain & happiness

Azariah and I went out for a meal the night before last, while in our M/s state, which meant I had to follow the rules we've agreed upon so far - waiting until he sits down before sitting down myself, , not looking him in the eyes (quick glances are ok, staring is not), etc. He also asked me to recommend a wine to go with his meal. I panicked a bit. I know nothing about wines except that I don't like most of them.

Before we arrived there he told me his pin and said I had to remember it, as I'd be paying with his card, and I wasn't allowed to forget it. I spent most of the walk there chanting the numbers to myself in my head.

We talked about how he'd like me to be eventually, once he's introduced all the rules - I'll have to learn to know when he wants a drink and what he wants without asking, be able to choose wines to go with meals, and if we're entertaining I'll need to know when to bring in food or drink without asking, see when people want more drinks and see to them, guage when people are getting bored of a conversation topic and be able to subtley steer it onto something different.

I'm also going ot need to learn when it's ok to be a bit cheeky and silly and when he's not in the mood for it. When it's ok for me to switch and when it's not. When we're together in public I'm not to look obviously subby, I'm just not to look at his eyes. I'm not allowed to answer a question with 'I don't know' (I often do this when asked what I want to do or eat etc - I'm pretty indecisive) I need to give an answer of some sort.

I'll need to know what food he feels like and when, and be able to order for him. This is going to be a lot of work!

At the end of the meal the waiter came over with the card machine and I typed in Azariah's pin. As I did so I looked up and saw him mouth 'fuck'. He told me he'd never given anyone that information before - it was a big thing for him. He  put his hand on his chest and said it gave him a warm feeling there. *smiles*

While we were in the restaurant it started raining. Raining is a bit of an understatement - the water was running down the road in streams! We had to walk back. We got the the door, and strode outside into the rain. Y'know what? It was amazing! We justs walked along, hand-in-hand, getting absolutely soaked. Azariah pulled me in and kissed me. We stood there kissing in the rain for some time.

'You've broken me' he said. 'We're not meant to like being in the rain. People walk fast, with their heads down, and hate it. This is brilliant. Tabboos are brilliant. I love you so much, it scares me sometimes.'

'I feel so free with you. I'm with you, but I'm not tied down, I'm my own person and I can do what I like, and you trust me to make the right choices. And you're free to do exactly as you like and I trust that you'll do the right thing. Even if it's breaking up with me, I trust you to do it in the most loving way possible.'

We both strolled back in the pouring rain just beaming and holding hands. And later I just grabbed him and kissed him. "That was very forward of you" he said, but not disapprovingly. As we walked back he took his top off. The confidence he walked with was so attractive. I pushed him up against a lamppost and kissed him, dragging my nails accross his skin and pulling his hair to make him whimper. Oh yeah, I might've switched a bit. =P

When we got to my front door Azariah leaned against the wall, topless and dripping wet and innocently said "Can I help you?"

Teasingly, I said he looked awfully wet and cold and he should come inside to warm up. There was more kissing and scratching and I cheesily said "We'd better get you out of those wet clothes..."

Azariah told me that was possibly the corniest, tackiest chat-up line ever. I pointed out that if you'd got to the topless, almost ripping each others' clothes off stage then it didn't really matter what you said, he was hardly going to say 'hold on, that was terrible, get out'.

I think you can all imagine what happened next. (No, he didn't tell me to get out...)

New job nerves!

I'm starting a new job tomorrow! I'll be working with The Challenge, supervising a group of 12 16 year olds from different social & economic backgrounds but the same area of Birmignham. Most of the days I'll be working from 7am 'til 11pm. We've been told that when physical fights occur we're not expected to get involved physically to break them up. Not if. When...
So, it's going to be pretty knackering! There are going to be culture clashes, disagreements, arguments, kids with special needs, disruptive or trouble-making children and ones who just don't care or don't want to be there.
I've got to be approachable, motivating, respected enough for them to follow my rules and listen to what I say, yet still fun so that they want to join in rather than just make trouble.
I'm nervous to say the least, but also excited. It could be amazing and rewarding, or overwhelming and disheartening. I really hope it's the former.
I'm nervous as to how well I'll cope given the affect the antidepressants seem to be having on me. Maybe I'll just be so busy that I won't have time to feel shit!
Fingers crossed that it all goes awesomely!

Depression

So I went to the Doctors and told them I was finding it harder to cope. I'm still on the extremely long waiting list for counselling, but that's not exactly comforting or helping with the whole feeling-shit thing.

The doctor I saw just gave me some antidepressants, said she'd call me in 2 weeks to see how they were working for me and sent me on my way. The drugs she gave me didn't have an information leaflet in them, so I had no idea about side-effects, other drugs they might interact with, when to take them or in fact anything useful at all.

Luckily Azariah takes the same tablets, and I was able to read his leaflet. He told me all about the side-effects he and other people he knew had had, including the fact that for the first two weeks they'll probably make me even more depressed.

Well that's certainly true. Since I started on them I haven't had a single day where I haven't wanted to curl up and cry at some point. Yesterday this lasted almost all day, so much so that I couldn't even leave the friend's house I was staying at to drive home, it was just too much to cope with. I left this morning and felt ok, but once I'd got home the feeling came back again. I managed to eat some food which seemed like a huuuge task, and am meant to be packing ready for the residential work I'm starting on Wednesday but just can't face it yet. I don't want to go, I just want to cry. If I'd known the tablets would do this to me I'd have waited until after the job finished in a couple of months and just stuck with the depression - I don't know if I'm going to be able to cope with the job while I'm feeling like this.

Not crazy! Well, maybe not... =P

Since I was about 19 I've occasionally had some weird turns, which the doctors all thought were mini strokes. They were very scary, I've had hundreds of tests done, none of which can find anything significant wrong with me. Most of the doctors thought it was to do with the hole in my heart I had, which was closed when I was 19.

Anyway, I've finally been referred to a neurologist, who's absolutely amazing! After one session, he's narrowed it down to 3 possible things, taken a load of blood and other samples and as soon as he has the results he'll call me to arrange another appointment! I feel like I've finally found someone who knows what they're talking about, and actually cares about fixing me! =D

 I explained what happened when I had these turns, and he said he could immediately rule out mini-strokes (TIAs), MS (which I never thought it was anyway) and anything to do with my heart. Woohoo! He also had a list of 3 things he thought it could be: a rare type of migraine called a Basilar migraine, a rare genetic disorder called porphyria, and something else which I've forgotten.

I really hope it's just the weird migraine thing, it'd be such a relief to know it was just a migraine that was happening and not a possible stroke or heart problem! Fingers crossed that it's something easily treatable or preventable and I'll be all fixed soon!