So I'm on holiday, in a place most people would love to be - white sandy beaches, palm trees, the lot - but I still feel like crap. I've been getting dizzy basically every day now at about the same time, and I'm pissed off. Doctors still don't know what it is or why it keeps happening, and every time it happens it makes me feel upset, a bit scared, and also angry. I'm angry that my body is doing this to me, that I can't just have a normal holiday with my family without stupid health problems. Any time I mention it to my parents they get all worried and overprotective and make a big deal out of it, which just makes me feel worse because they're making it into a 'thing', which I should be worried about.
Then there's just general crapness - I have dreams about Azariah and his family every single night, which obviously affect my mood when I wake up. Every little thing reminds me of him and the fact that I'm not with him any more, and that hurts so much. Every single bloody song on the radio or by the live bands is about love in some way, and I'm finding it really hard just to swallow the emotions down and pretend that everything's ok. Because this is a holiday, and I should be enjoying myself, and not moping or being depressed or feeling down.
Also I feel so lonely. My parents have each other to chat to, my sisters are very close to each other due to their age and I feel completely out of my depth with the way they communicate with each other. So much of their 'banter' just isn't how I communicate, and some of it genuinely sounds like insults. A few times now there have been remarks that have made me want to cry, not because they were directly hurtful to me, but because of what they imply about their beliefs. There was pointing and laughing at people for being fat. We saw a woman breastfeeding, and a huge deal was made about how 'gross' and 'disgusting' it was having her breast out in public, and how she should go somewhere private to do that sort of thing. Those sort of comments just make my blood boil, and there's so much I want to say about those views, but I don't feel emotionally able to cope with the arguments right now, and so I feel bad for not saying anything. It also seems a lot of the time like my sisters are deliberately trying to pick arguments with me or prove me wrong, so I've gone back to my default family setting of not really saying anything, and just giving in when people contradict me in order to avoid conflict.
I've also had really bad period pains the last couple of days, which haven't helped anything, and yesterday evening I had a complete breakdown. My emotions have been all over the place for a few days now. During the daytime my sister had used the word gay to mean rubbish/stupid, and when I asked her not to, she was quite aggressive and just said 'l can speak how I want.' I had to leave the table and go to the toilets to cry. Later we'd been listening to live music, and lots of songs were about love and I couldn't cope with that. Then I also got dizzy and came back to my room and had a good cry. I made some lychee tea to calm down, and was just about to drink it when I noticed that it contained tannins, which I've been having a bad reacting to recently, so I couldn't even drink it. That was the last straw. My brain just went to a bad place. I wanted to cry and smash things and cut myself - the only reasons I didn't was that I didn't have anything with me to sterilize the area or the implement.
Oh yeah, and I managed to gain a stalker. *sighs* I'm too knackered to write a abut that now though, so that'll have to wait until another update.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been down the whole time - most of the time I've enjoyed what we've been doing, but it's like the enjoyment happens while I'm doing something, and then is gone again and I'm back to my baseline of emotional feeling which I can only describe as 'meh'. But I suppose at least I'm able to experience enjoyment now, even if it is only temporary.
