Yeah, I don't have much of this. Some days I do - some days I think I'm freakin' awesome, I love my personality, I love my body, I find myself funny, attractive, and think everyone should love me! =P
*trigger warning for negative body image, fat hatred*
At other times there's rather a lot of self-hatred going on in my head.
Why am I so fat? So hideous? So disgusting? What is wrong with my brain that I feel this about my own body? How can one brain hate the body that encases it so much? How could anyone possibly like/love me when I look like this? I'm repulsed by my own body.
*end trigger warning*
I can't understand how my own view of myself can vary so wildly, the two are so extremely against each other.
I think all bodies are amazing and wonderful and beautiful, and that no one should be judged on their size, yet I still believe that my body directly reflects my worth as a human being.
My friend The Box Ticker describes this contradiction well in her blog post on Doublethink. I like this term, it describes exactly what my brain is capable of doing. I don't like that I have these thoughts in the first place though, and am unsure how to stop them from happening, or at least make the negative ones a little less extreme and less often.
Any help gratefully appreciated!
Monday 13 May 2013
Asking for help is still hard
I feel like this depression has gone on for far too long. At the beginning of an illness people are very vocal and physical in their support, but after a number of months it dies down. I understand this - it gets tiring. People don't know what to say, they're not sure whether they should ask how you're feeling or if you want distracting, if you even want company as you've seemed so withdrawn and antisocial for a while.
Well here are some thoughts from my head.
Saying things like 'Let me know if you need anything' or 'I'm always here if you need someone to talk to' isn't very helpful, because I will NEVER take anyone up on that unless the world is actually about to explode. My brain tells me that no matter how sincerely they say it, how much they mean it, when it comes down to it no one actually expects anything to come from saying that, and they don't want someone calling up while they're in the middle of something just saying 'I feel sad. Everything is wrong and the world is rubbish and I want to cry for no reason.' It'd be awkward, people aren't sure how to respond to things like that - I don't think I'd know what to say in that scenario.
Inviting me somewhere is lovely when I'm in a good place. Times where I'm wobbly, or in a darker place I'm rather unlikely to accept invitations, or I might accept out of obligation only to cancel later because my brain thinks that no one would want to spend time with me when I'm like this. Or I don't feel like doing anything at the particular time, and I can't imagine what it'd feel like to want to go, because I forget that this feeling doesn't last forever. I also don't want to accept and then have to cancel because I have a down day when we've got things planned.
Visiting me is always good, but if I start feeling down or tired I won't necessarily be very good at asking you to leave unless you're a very close friend, and even then I still have some difficulty.
~~~
The above was all written a couple of months ago, but not published. It's amazing how much things have changed since then. The dark places don't seem to happen anymore, they're low, slowed down places, but not nearly as scary.
On the other hand, I seem to have less and less motivation, even to do things I actively want to do, or know would be a good idea. I am putting everything off - things like applying for jobs I would absolutely love, and I have no idea why. I just can't be bothered. I have no structure, no reason to do anything. I'm getting worse and worse at getting up in the mornings too, often sleeping in or just lying in bed until around midday when I finally can't justify it any longer and start to beat myself up for having wasted half the day.
I also feel like dealing with depression has turned me into an introvert - where I used to get all of my energy from seeing others, now being with people for a long time just drains my energy. I still enjoy seeing people, I still have fun and love seeing my friends, but large groups of people, or seeing small numbers of them for a long period of time can drain my energy and make me want to have a nap or just curl up on my own with a book.
I feel a bit like like I've done two steps forward and one step back. I don't have the horribly dark thoughts anymore, which is amazing, but I'm also completely lacking in any sort of lust for life. Everything seems pointless and not worth it. I can't be bothered to do anything and have turned into a bit of a hermit, constantly on my computer as a way to interact with the world.
I'm worried that I'm making things quite hard for Azariah to deal with at the moment. He's still recovering himself, and I think trying to deal with me is quite draining for him and can be stressful. The last thing I want is to make things hard for him, and at the moment I think I'm being a bit clingy wanting to spend all my time with him because that's where I feel safest. I need to give him more space so that he has time to look after himself, and maybe start seeing other people more so I have other people who I feel safe with rather than putting everything on Azariah.
I need something to get up for in the mornings, and things I have to do during the days to give me some structure - that would hopefully help to get my sleeping pattern sorted out and give me some more energy during the day.
Anyway, I've rambled enough. Until next time!
Well here are some thoughts from my head.
Saying things like 'Let me know if you need anything' or 'I'm always here if you need someone to talk to' isn't very helpful, because I will NEVER take anyone up on that unless the world is actually about to explode. My brain tells me that no matter how sincerely they say it, how much they mean it, when it comes down to it no one actually expects anything to come from saying that, and they don't want someone calling up while they're in the middle of something just saying 'I feel sad. Everything is wrong and the world is rubbish and I want to cry for no reason.' It'd be awkward, people aren't sure how to respond to things like that - I don't think I'd know what to say in that scenario.
Inviting me somewhere is lovely when I'm in a good place. Times where I'm wobbly, or in a darker place I'm rather unlikely to accept invitations, or I might accept out of obligation only to cancel later because my brain thinks that no one would want to spend time with me when I'm like this. Or I don't feel like doing anything at the particular time, and I can't imagine what it'd feel like to want to go, because I forget that this feeling doesn't last forever. I also don't want to accept and then have to cancel because I have a down day when we've got things planned.
Visiting me is always good, but if I start feeling down or tired I won't necessarily be very good at asking you to leave unless you're a very close friend, and even then I still have some difficulty.
~~~
The above was all written a couple of months ago, but not published. It's amazing how much things have changed since then. The dark places don't seem to happen anymore, they're low, slowed down places, but not nearly as scary.
On the other hand, I seem to have less and less motivation, even to do things I actively want to do, or know would be a good idea. I am putting everything off - things like applying for jobs I would absolutely love, and I have no idea why. I just can't be bothered. I have no structure, no reason to do anything. I'm getting worse and worse at getting up in the mornings too, often sleeping in or just lying in bed until around midday when I finally can't justify it any longer and start to beat myself up for having wasted half the day.
I also feel like dealing with depression has turned me into an introvert - where I used to get all of my energy from seeing others, now being with people for a long time just drains my energy. I still enjoy seeing people, I still have fun and love seeing my friends, but large groups of people, or seeing small numbers of them for a long period of time can drain my energy and make me want to have a nap or just curl up on my own with a book.
I feel a bit like like I've done two steps forward and one step back. I don't have the horribly dark thoughts anymore, which is amazing, but I'm also completely lacking in any sort of lust for life. Everything seems pointless and not worth it. I can't be bothered to do anything and have turned into a bit of a hermit, constantly on my computer as a way to interact with the world.
I'm worried that I'm making things quite hard for Azariah to deal with at the moment. He's still recovering himself, and I think trying to deal with me is quite draining for him and can be stressful. The last thing I want is to make things hard for him, and at the moment I think I'm being a bit clingy wanting to spend all my time with him because that's where I feel safest. I need to give him more space so that he has time to look after himself, and maybe start seeing other people more so I have other people who I feel safe with rather than putting everything on Azariah.
I need something to get up for in the mornings, and things I have to do during the days to give me some structure - that would hopefully help to get my sleeping pattern sorted out and give me some more energy during the day.
Anyway, I've rambled enough. Until next time!
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