Patriarchy strikes again!

So, Jacques came over today. We were having a lovely time - we'd watched TV episodes, eaten food, and then we started playing a bit. It was lots of fun, until my brain decided to remind me of Azariah and I was rather overwhelmed with feelings.

I put my hand up and asked J to hang on a minute. He asked if I was ok, and I shook my head. He immediately jumped off me, sat down beside me and just held me while I cried. There was no pressure to explain anything - he was so lovely and understanding. He told me that I should know that it was always ok to stop if I was feeling bad, (or for any reason) and it was equally fine not to start anything.

I surprised myself by being pleasantly surprised at his reaction. I still don't expect people to actually stop like that when I ask them them to - I expect them to slow down, to stop but stay where they are waiting for us to be able to carry on, or other alternatives that aren't simply stopping.

I was shocked at how internalised societal ideas can become - I'd internalised the idea that my 'no' will not be listened to first time, that I will have to repeat it, be forceful, or make excuses. Outside a relationship, it still surprises me when people care about me more than whether or not they'll get laid. When men especially don't have that as their number one priority.

Hooray for the patriarchy!

Rape culture teaches us that women are to blame if we get raped, for 'leading men on', wearing clothing that mean we're 'asking for it', for being alone at night, for saying yes to something else but not to sex, for being drunk, etc etc. This list goes on. This assumes that all men's default status is rapist. That they have no control over their actions, and that their sole aim in any encounter is to have sex, whether the woman is consenting or not. This does not give them any credit for, y'know, being human beings rather than robots. For having feelings, a conscience, empathy, etc.

I'm so glad that the friends I have are able to prove society wrong. I'm lucky to have such lovely people in my life.

Feelings (again...)

I still miss Azariah so much. I still love him so much. I haven't seen him in over a month now, and he doesn't seem to want to meet up with me. Hopefully I'm just reading things into this that aren't there, but I asked him if we could meet up for a catch-up, and he asked whether I was sure that meeting him wouldn't make things more difficult for me. I said that I wasn't sure at all, but I missed him and wanted to see him. He said that he'd think about it over the weekend and get back to me. He didn't.

Later that week I found something of his and texted him to tell him, and we arranged to meet up the next weekend for a catch-up and I could give him his things then. The day before, he texted me to cancel because things had come up. I haven't heard from him since.

I want to be able to get on with my life but everything I do in some way makes me think of him. I can't even sleep without dreaming about him half the time, which makes waking up all the more painful when the reality hits. The dreams aren't even of being with him, just of being able to phone him up and chat. Just both of us acknowledging that this is hard, and that we still care about each other. He was such a huge part of my life, he helped me in so many ways and now that's all gone. When we broke up he told me that he still wanted me to be a part of his life, that he cared about me a great deal and just couldn't deal with a romantic relationship at the time. Now it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all, and that hurts so much. Living on my own and being alone with my thoughts all the time really doesn't help.



This next bit is probably waaaay too much information, so if you're family, or don't want to know rather intimate details, stop reading now...



I can't even fucking masturbate any more. The last time I tried I ended up almost suicidal. Azariah was the first person I ever had an orgasm with. He was the person who helped me get over my shame around masturbation, and allowed me to be able to enjoy myself without all the guilt I'd always felt around it. He was the first person I squirted with. God that's definitely tmi. Sorry. Fuck it. He's the first person I had any form of d/s relationship with, and the only person I've ever felt was my 'Sir'. I wasn't able to cum without him either telling me to, or doing something specific to help me get there.

I've lost all interest in anything vaguely kink or sex-related because it doesn't involve him. I don't want to sub to anyone that isn't him, and he's the only person I've ever really wanted to domme. I can't even imagine wanting to do any of those things with anyone else. There's just absolutely no appeal.



Right, I'm not going to go back and proof-read this because I definitely won't post it. Sorry for the rambley trains of thought that come out of my mind sometimes. I've been keeping all of this inside for far too long and just need to get it out somewhere, even if no one ever reads this. I love him, I miss him, and it hurts so damn much.