Final Post

So I've decided to stop this blog. It was meant to be a place for me to be able to vent my emotions in a non-harmful way, but unfortunately one of my more recent posts has upset someone else in the process, which I never meant to do.

Because of this, I'm going to create another blog for all my feelings to go to, which I will not publicise on facebook. If you wish to follow the new blog, I will send you a link (either on facebook, or to an email address - your choice). If hearing that I occasionally feel suicidal or like self-harming will upset you (not that I expect anyone to be happy or blasé about it, but if it will profoundly affect badly) then I'd advise you not to ask for the link. My blog will be where I write down all my thoughts and feelings - both good and bad.

I'm a little sad to leave this blog behind - there are posts I would like to keep, and I'm rather fond of the name - but needs must. So, goodbye from this blog. I hope life treats you well.

Depression stuff. Again.

Trigger warnings: suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts. 

Having bad thoughts again. They started with graphic self-harming thoughts, moved on to 'why not just get it all over and done with and end this?', and then when I realised that I always get through these bad times and will be 'fine' later - whether tonight, in the morning, or a few days - I felt even worse. I know I'll get through this and have to carry on with this life, and that's the thing that scares me right now. That's the thing I don't want to happen. I know I'm not going to do anything to end my life right now, and that's making me feel even worse! I'm not strong enough to actually sort something out and go through with it, so I'm going to keep feeling like I do and living this half-life thing and not feeling in the way that other people do. I just wish there was a simple solution to this problem. Depression has drained so much of my life from me, including the motivation to get on and end it.

Mixed feelings

Trigger warning - suicidal ideation, self harm.

I had a bit of a crappy week. I was on my period, and it was really messing with my hormones. I was crying most days over nothing, and just couldn't function properly some of the days. I went to see the doctor, who actually listened to how I was feeling and what I wanted, and agreed to change me over to a new antidepressant - Sertraline.

I also got a text from Azariah saying that he wanted to see me! That made me so happy, and I was really excited about meeting up with him. We went for a meal and stayed there talking for three and a half hours, just enjoying each others' company, catching up, teasing, laughing, and generally having a good time. I really just wanted to kiss him, and I told him that. He said 'ok', so I asked what he meant - was it ok to kiss him? He said he wasn't sure, so I didn't, but he'd been really warm and friendly all evening - stroking me, holding my hand, and being silly just like we used to. Saying goodbye was horrible because all I wanted to do was kiss him. As soon as I got into my car I broke down into tears over what I'd lost and how much I missed him. I suddenly just didn't feel safe anymore, and didn't want to be alive.

Driving home all I could think about was where and how I could crash so that I'd kill myself but wouldn't hurt anyone else. Fortunately I was in residential areas so that wasn't possible. I got home, and did think about driving out to the motorway to get enough speed up to kill myself, but I managed to get out of the car and go inside.

I texted a friend asking for help, and she helped me to calm down and make myself a warm drink. I tried all sorts of things to stop the feelings of needing to hurt myself - I drew lines on my arm in red pen, I drank a comforting drink, I got ready for bed, but in the end the need to get rid of these feelings outweighed the ability to listen to my healthy mind. I put on sterile latex gloves, sterilised the area, and used a sterile scalpel so that there was no chance of infection. I only cut until I could see the blood, and then did some more cuts - all in nice neat lines, because it seemed important that my scars would be neat. I then cleaned up the blood, and bandaged the cuts up securely. After that everything was calm and my brain was quiet. There was finally peace. I watched a TV show on my laptop, drank a warm drink and went to sleep.

I haven't done this in a long time, and I don't think last night is reflective of my overall mental health. This only seems to happen when I've had contact with A. I hope that at some point we'll be able to enjoy each others' company without this being the after-effect on my mood, but I know that I'm still getting better, and I'm so much better than I was when all this started.

Oasis of recovery

So I've got to a bit of a sticking point in my recovery. I seem to be able to go about my normal daily stuff - work and eating  - without much problem. I have a 6-hour gap in the middle of my work day where, try as I might, I just can't motivate myself to do anything useful, despite having things I need to do. I tend to sit around watching things on my laptop until it's time for my next work shift.

Motivation aside, I'm not doing too badly. I'm seeing friends a couple of times a week, I'm starting some clubs again and getting back into old hobbies I'd forgotten about, and can generally distract myself from any unhelpful thoughts when I'm doing things.

The trouble is when I'm not doing things, it's less easy. It's still far better than things have been in the past - it's been a few weeks since I last wanted to self-harm, and the destructive thoughts have less of a hold on me when they do turn up.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a kink party where I played with a friend. It was quite intense, rough play and was just too much for me at the time. Immediately we finished I just wanted Azariah to hold me and look after me. I missed him with an intensity that felt like my heart was trying to burst through my ribcage. It's when I feel like this that any self-harming or suicidal thoughts are really hard to get rid of. And when I feel like this, I don't want the thoughts to go away. I don't want to get better, and I don't want to get over him, because that would be like admitting that things are over. Logically I know they are, but emotionally I'm still holding out hope that at some point he'll be better and we'll be able to get back together.

I feel like a lot of the time now I'm going through the motions of life, but my feelings don't really change all that much. Everything feels pretty much the same. I can find something amusing and laugh at it, but afterwards I still feel like all my emotions are on the same level.

My emotions are a desert. Occasionally I'll enter an oasis of happiness, pass a cactus of amusement, or walk up a dune of distraction. Sometimes I'll stay in an oasis for some time, but I always know that I'm surrounded by vast desert of blandness which is my perpetual feeling. As soon as that oasis of pleasant feelings is over, it's back to never-ending sand, and I just have to keep on walking until I find the next emotional landmark. It's not like I feel bad most of the time, or empty, I just... don't really experience feelings all that much. Being with friends can give me temporary relief from this, allowing me to sit with them in their little oasis of normal human feelings, although there are times when I'm surrounded with lovely people and am still stuck in the dessert. I can see their oasis, but I'm still outside it. I do my best to enter, and sometimes it works, but other times I'm stuck outside pretending to be a tree, and instead just looking like an idiot waving my arms in the air in an attempt to share in their feelings.

Patriarchy strikes again!

So, Jacques came over today. We were having a lovely time - we'd watched TV episodes, eaten food, and then we started playing a bit. It was lots of fun, until my brain decided to remind me of Azariah and I was rather overwhelmed with feelings.

I put my hand up and asked J to hang on a minute. He asked if I was ok, and I shook my head. He immediately jumped off me, sat down beside me and just held me while I cried. There was no pressure to explain anything - he was so lovely and understanding. He told me that I should know that it was always ok to stop if I was feeling bad, (or for any reason) and it was equally fine not to start anything.

I surprised myself by being pleasantly surprised at his reaction. I still don't expect people to actually stop like that when I ask them them to - I expect them to slow down, to stop but stay where they are waiting for us to be able to carry on, or other alternatives that aren't simply stopping.

I was shocked at how internalised societal ideas can become - I'd internalised the idea that my 'no' will not be listened to first time, that I will have to repeat it, be forceful, or make excuses. Outside a relationship, it still surprises me when people care about me more than whether or not they'll get laid. When men especially don't have that as their number one priority.

Hooray for the patriarchy!

Rape culture teaches us that women are to blame if we get raped, for 'leading men on', wearing clothing that mean we're 'asking for it', for being alone at night, for saying yes to something else but not to sex, for being drunk, etc etc. This list goes on. This assumes that all men's default status is rapist. That they have no control over their actions, and that their sole aim in any encounter is to have sex, whether the woman is consenting or not. This does not give them any credit for, y'know, being human beings rather than robots. For having feelings, a conscience, empathy, etc.

I'm so glad that the friends I have are able to prove society wrong. I'm lucky to have such lovely people in my life.

Feelings (again...)

I still miss Azariah so much. I still love him so much. I haven't seen him in over a month now, and he doesn't seem to want to meet up with me. Hopefully I'm just reading things into this that aren't there, but I asked him if we could meet up for a catch-up, and he asked whether I was sure that meeting him wouldn't make things more difficult for me. I said that I wasn't sure at all, but I missed him and wanted to see him. He said that he'd think about it over the weekend and get back to me. He didn't.

Later that week I found something of his and texted him to tell him, and we arranged to meet up the next weekend for a catch-up and I could give him his things then. The day before, he texted me to cancel because things had come up. I haven't heard from him since.

I want to be able to get on with my life but everything I do in some way makes me think of him. I can't even sleep without dreaming about him half the time, which makes waking up all the more painful when the reality hits. The dreams aren't even of being with him, just of being able to phone him up and chat. Just both of us acknowledging that this is hard, and that we still care about each other. He was such a huge part of my life, he helped me in so many ways and now that's all gone. When we broke up he told me that he still wanted me to be a part of his life, that he cared about me a great deal and just couldn't deal with a romantic relationship at the time. Now it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all, and that hurts so much. Living on my own and being alone with my thoughts all the time really doesn't help.



This next bit is probably waaaay too much information, so if you're family, or don't want to know rather intimate details, stop reading now...



I can't even fucking masturbate any more. The last time I tried I ended up almost suicidal. Azariah was the first person I ever had an orgasm with. He was the person who helped me get over my shame around masturbation, and allowed me to be able to enjoy myself without all the guilt I'd always felt around it. He was the first person I squirted with. God that's definitely tmi. Sorry. Fuck it. He's the first person I had any form of d/s relationship with, and the only person I've ever felt was my 'Sir'. I wasn't able to cum without him either telling me to, or doing something specific to help me get there.

I've lost all interest in anything vaguely kink or sex-related because it doesn't involve him. I don't want to sub to anyone that isn't him, and he's the only person I've ever really wanted to domme. I can't even imagine wanting to do any of those things with anyone else. There's just absolutely no appeal.



Right, I'm not going to go back and proof-read this because I definitely won't post it. Sorry for the rambley trains of thought that come out of my mind sometimes. I've been keeping all of this inside for far too long and just need to get it out somewhere, even if no one ever reads this. I love him, I miss him, and it hurts so damn much.

'Fixing' people

Often if I'm feeling depressed, upset, or just a little low or unsure, I tend to get quite quiet, and become a little uncommunicative. Ok, a lot. I just want to curl up and be hugged or soothed until I feel better. Often when I'm in that state I don't really know what is wrong, or if I do, I don't always want to talk about it.

There seem to be people who want to know why I'm feeling like this, so that they can try and 'fix' it, and people who just hug me and say 'it's going to be ok'.


People have different ways of reacting to me being like this: there's asking if I'm ok; asking what's wrong; giving me space and leaving me alone, asking what they can do to help, and coming over and just holding/hugging/stroking me.

In this mood, there's only really one of these which is of any use to me. 

If asked if I'm ok, and you're not a very close friend (or sometimes even if you are, I'm feeling really down), I'll just nod, or say that I'm fine, or just tired. It's generally obvious from my body language that I'm not ok, but I'm not usually in a place to discuss feelings - my brain is not in that sort of place in those moments.

Similar things tend to happen if I'm asked what's wrong - half the time I won't have the faintest idea why I've started feeling low. Maybe something triggered an upsetting memory, in which case I'll know, but it may just be a sudden low mood because of no enough energy (social, mental, or physical). This is more likely to get the answer out of me than the former, but is still not a great option.

Leaving me alone. Though I generally don't actually want to talk about what's wrong at the time, being left completely alone when obviously feeling down makes me feel ignored, lonely, or not cared about. I know that this isn't the case, but when I'm feeling crap anyway, it's easy for my brain to think that.

Asking what you can do to help, while a lovely gesture, isn't very helpful. There's nothing you can do apart from just hold/hug/stroke me, and when I'm feeling low and uncommunicative, I'm unlikely to be able to communicate that need, because I feel that you may not want to do that and I'd be imposing somehow. Yes I know, silly brain can give me silly ideas sometimes.

The last option - just holding/hugging/stroking me - is by far the best. I don't want my thoughts and feelings dissected and examined when I'm feeling low, there's generally nothing that can be done aside from waiting it out or being distracted, but being held just reminds me that people care for me and everything will be okay, even if I do feel a bit low sometimes.

In short, you don't need to 'do' anything. You don't need to try and 'fix' any problems, or work out what is wrong, or what you can do to help. I just need a hug.

Doctor Who and female role-models in the media

So, the 12th Doctor has been revealed. If you're trying to avoid the knowledge of who it is until the show airs, I'd advise you to stop reading now... Go on, off you go.

Right.

I'm not complaining about the choice of the particular actor, or say that he wouldn't make a great doctor, but I must admit to still being a little disappointed at the doctor being yet another white male, while the women in the show are still relegated to 'companion' status. Why not a person of colour, or a doctor of a different gender? Yes, yes, they say they picked 'the best actor for the job' - but they didn't even hold casting calls this time. Moffatt said that he had the idea of Peter Capaldi, called him to his house to try out being the doctor, videoed the result, showed it to the rest of the team and they decided to cast him. They didn't give anyone else a chance, and I bet an actor of colour or another gender didn't even cross Mofatt's mind.

It's well known that he's not exactly progressive in his views,and this shows more and more throughout his episodes. Almost every female character has now been defined by her reproductive organs or her dependence on a man, and having virtually no agency of their own. I'm getting tired of such a lack of decent female representation in the media - of having to actively search such things out, rather than being able to just watch something and see women who are shown as fully-rounded characters with their own agencies rather than sexist tropes and stereotypes.

This

So apparently my family read my blog and consider it 'libelous' that I write about them and how they affect me. Well that's a joke. It's only libelous if what I write is untrue, and I told them that I'd willingly take something down if they didn't like it. My sister has told me that she hates me because of my blog and the fact that I've written about her, and says I'm really selfish for making everything about me and how upset I am. As if I'm 'just a bit upset' and making a big deal out of things. Um, hello - I have a mental illness. It's my blog about my life! If you want to block your ears about my depression and my struggle to recover then don't read the blog, and just live in blissful ignorance believing that everything's fine. Oh, and how about not upsetting me, and I won't have to write about it?

So, allegedly they all read it, yet no one has ever commented on the self-harming, suicidal ideation or the rape. Everyone just wants to pretend that it's all ok. They just had an argument with me about how it's fine to use the word gay as an adjective to mean rubbish/stupid (and actually said they meant it to mean 'lame' - hooray, ableist language! If you're not sure why I object to use of the word gay, read this:
http://www.shakesville.com/2006/07/theres-no-good-way-to-use-fag.html

Trigger warning: self harm

Since the depression I've tried to avoid confrontation, because it puts my brain in that really dark place that's hard to escape from. When I got up to leave the argument I was told that I was obviously leaving because they were right... *rolls eyes* I put out a cry for help on facebook but no one was about. There's some blood now and I'm feeling quite a lot calmer, but it's not quite enough. I'm not numb yet. I need to see more blood to quiet my brain and stop the cacophony going on in there.

A bit of a rant

So I'm on holiday, in a place most people would love to be - white sandy beaches, palm trees, the lot - but I still feel like crap. I've been getting dizzy basically every day now at about the same time, and I'm pissed off. Doctors still don't know what it is or why it keeps happening, and every time it happens it makes me feel upset, a bit scared, and also angry. I'm angry that my body is doing this to me, that I can't just have a normal holiday with my family without stupid health problems. Any time I mention it to my parents they get all worried and overprotective and make a big deal out of it, which just makes me feel worse because they're making it into a 'thing', which I should be worried about.

Then there's just general crapness - I have dreams about Azariah and his family every single night, which obviously affect my mood when I wake up. Every little thing reminds me of him and the fact that I'm not with him any more, and that hurts so much. Every single bloody song on the radio or by the live bands is about love in some way, and I'm finding it really hard just to swallow the emotions down and pretend that everything's ok. Because this is a holiday, and I should be enjoying myself, and not moping or being depressed or feeling down.

Also I feel so lonely. My parents have each other to chat to, my sisters are very close to each other due to their age and I feel completely out of my depth with the way they communicate with each other. So much of their 'banter' just isn't how I communicate, and some of it genuinely sounds like insults. A few times now there have been remarks that have made me want to cry, not because they were directly hurtful to me, but because of what they imply about their beliefs. There was pointing and laughing at people for being fat. We saw a woman breastfeeding, and a huge deal was made about how 'gross' and 'disgusting' it was having her breast out in public, and how she should go somewhere private to do that sort of thing. Those sort of comments just make my blood boil, and there's so much I want to say about those views, but I don't feel emotionally able to cope with the arguments right now, and so I feel bad for not saying anything. It also seems a lot of the time like my sisters are deliberately trying to pick arguments with me or prove me wrong, so I've gone back to my default family setting of not really saying anything, and just giving in when people contradict me in order to avoid conflict.

I've also had really bad period pains the last couple of days, which haven't helped anything, and yesterday evening I had a complete breakdown. My emotions have been all over the place for a few days now. During the daytime my sister had used the word gay to mean rubbish/stupid, and when I asked her not to, she was quite aggressive and just said 'l can speak how I want.' I had to leave the table and go to the toilets to cry. Later we'd been listening to live music, and lots of songs were about love and I couldn't cope with that. Then I also got dizzy and came back to my room and had a good cry. I made some lychee tea to calm down, and was just about to drink it when I noticed that it contained tannins, which I've been having a bad reacting to recently, so I couldn't even drink it. That was the last straw. My brain just went to a bad place. I wanted to cry and smash things and cut myself - the only reasons I didn't was that I didn't have anything with me to sterilize the area or the implement. 

Oh yeah, and I managed to gain a stalker. *sighs* I'm too knackered to write a abut that now though, so that'll have to wait until another update.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been down the whole time - most of the time I've enjoyed what we've been doing, but it's like the enjoyment happens while I'm doing something, and then is gone again and I'm back to my baseline of emotional feeling which I can only describe as 'meh'. But I suppose at least I'm able to experience enjoyment now, even if it is only temporary.

You might not want to read this.

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation.

Ok I just did something stupid. I was at a birthday party, everything was going fine until Azariah turned up, and I just couldn't cope. When I managed to actually talk to him all I wanted to do was kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. I thought I was doing so well - this week had been really pretty good and I had hardly been thinking about him until today.  Seeing him just brought it all back though - I got a lump in my throat, I felt sick, like I'd been punched in the stomach and just couldn't cope. I went inside and cried a lot, and eventually just had to leave.

I drove home and all I could think about was where I could crash my car safely enough not to harm anyone else, but fast enough to hurt or kill myself. I didn't, or I wouldn't be writing this.

I got home and was about to go on facebook and put out a cry for help, but then thought 'fuck that, I'm just going to cut myself'. I went upstairs and found the scalpel I'd bought a while ago to try cutting in a BDSM sense. Put on sterile gloves, sterilised the area and then made some cuts. The relief once the blood started welling up was enormous, and so calming. I just wanted to sit there watching it bleed. I can now understand why people do it. I cleaned the blood off and applied a dressing, so it's all fine medically.

Afterwards my head felt quieter, and a little numb. I can now think without my mind just screaming. I don't have many thoughts or feelings right now, which is actually quite nice.

Personality types

I did one of those personality tests, and came out as ISFJ - I(22%) S(50%) F(62%) J(56%).

Here's what that says about me:

• ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.) 

• ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses. 

• In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers. 

• While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want. 

• Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem. 

Apart from the stuff about conventional behaviour, I think that pretty much sums me up, particularly at the moment. (Ok, so I may get rather embarrassed when my dad does his 'dad dance', but doesn't everyone?)

I just found this. I wrote it about a year ago. 

Azariah:

You are my rock, my crutch to lean on when times are hard. You know me better than I know myself. I trust you completely, because I know you wouldn't do anything to harm me. I am yours completely to do with what you wish. If you choose to ignore me, hurt me, or cst me aside, I know it's because you have my best interests at heart, and though it may hurt in those moments, your actions always turn out to be what I needed most at the time. I do not feel worthy of being yours, but I will do everything in my power to keep you happy and make you proud of me. When you need someone to lean on, you only have to call me and I'll be there, and I will do my best to make sure you don't have to call. I am yours, to make you happy, whatever that may take. You are incredible, you take my breath away. I don't have words enough to describe my depth of feeling for you. All I can do is give you myself. All that I am, I give to you. I love you, Sir. In my eyes, you are perfect.

...

Azariah and I broke up. He said that he can't look after me and look after himself as much as he needs to at the moment, and though he didn't want to it was best for him if he wasn't in a relationship at the moment, because he felt guilty for not spending enough time with me as it was. He finds seeing me draining right now and that's not what I want. All I want is for him to be happy.

As understandable as all of this is, it still fucking hurts. I cried for most of the evening yesterday, and went back to a dark place I haven't been in for a while. I had lots of self-harming thoughts that were scary. He made me phone the priory and drove me to a friend's house so I'd have someone with me. He's still so caring and thoughtful and wonderful, which just makes me see what I'm losing. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I still do. All I want is to be with him and make him happy.

I'm feeling better than I was last night, I'm just blaming myself for a lot of it. If I hadn't put my problems on him, maybe he'd have been able to cope better. If I hadn't gone round yesterday when I was feeling low maybe that wouldn't have happened. If only I'd talked to other people about my feelings maybe he wouldn't have had so much to deal with.  

I'm finding it incredibly hard to accept that it's all over, that that future will no longer happen. I've lost so much in him, and I think it's all my fault. I hate that I've done this to him. I love him so much, and I feel like my insides have been torn out. 

Self-love

Yeah, I don't have much of this. Some days I do - some days I think I'm freakin' awesome, I love my personality, I love my body, I find myself funny, attractive, and think everyone should love me! =P


*trigger warning for negative body image, fat hatred*  
 
At other times there's rather a lot of self-hatred going on in my head.

Why am I so fat? So hideous? So disgusting? What is wrong with my brain that I feel this about my own body? How can one brain hate the body that encases it so much? How could anyone possibly like/love me when I look like this? I'm repulsed by my own body.

*end trigger warning*

I can't understand how my own view of myself can vary so wildly, the two are so extremely against each other.

I think all bodies are amazing and wonderful and beautiful, and that no one should be judged on their size, yet I still believe that my body directly reflects my worth as a human being.

My friend The Box Ticker describes this contradiction well in her blog post on Doublethink. I like this term, it describes exactly what my brain is capable of doing. I don't like that I have these thoughts in the first place though, and am unsure how to stop them from happening, or at least make the negative ones a little less extreme and less often.

Any help gratefully appreciated!

Asking for help is still hard

I feel like this depression has gone on for far too long. At the beginning of an illness people are very vocal and physical in their support, but after a number of months it dies down. I understand this - it gets tiring. People don't know what to say, they're not sure whether they should ask how you're feeling or if you want distracting, if you even want company as you've seemed so withdrawn and antisocial for a while.

Well here are some thoughts from my head.

Saying things like 'Let me know if you need anything' or 'I'm always here if you need someone to talk to' isn't very helpful, because I will NEVER take anyone up on that unless the world is actually about to explode. My brain tells me that no matter how sincerely they say it, how much they mean it, when it comes down to it no one actually expects anything to come from saying that, and they don't want someone calling up while they're in the middle of something just saying 'I feel sad. Everything is wrong and the world is rubbish and I want to cry for no reason.' It'd be awkward, people aren't sure how to respond to things like that - I don't think I'd know what to say in that scenario.

Inviting me somewhere is lovely when I'm in a good place. Times where I'm wobbly, or in a darker place I'm rather unlikely to accept invitations, or I might accept out of obligation only to cancel later because my brain thinks that no one would want to spend time with me when I'm like this. Or I don't feel like doing anything at the particular time, and I can't imagine what it'd feel like to want to go, because I forget that this feeling doesn't last forever. I also don't want to accept and then have to cancel because I have a down day when we've got things planned.

Visiting me is always good, but if I start feeling down or tired I won't necessarily be very good at asking you to leave unless you're a very close friend, and even then I still have some difficulty.

~~~

The above was all written a couple of months ago, but not published. It's amazing how much things have changed since then. The dark places don't seem to happen anymore, they're low, slowed down places, but not nearly as scary.

On the other hand, I seem to have less and less motivation, even to do things I actively want to do, or know would be a good idea. I am putting everything off - things like applying for jobs I would absolutely love, and I have no idea why. I just can't be bothered. I have no structure, no reason to do anything. I'm getting worse and worse at getting up in the mornings too, often sleeping in or just lying in bed until around midday when I finally can't justify it any longer and start to beat myself up for having wasted half the day.

I also feel like dealing with depression has turned me into an introvert - where I used to get all of my energy from seeing others, now being with people for a long time just drains my energy. I still enjoy seeing people, I still have fun and love seeing my friends, but large groups of people, or seeing small numbers of them for a long period of time can drain my energy and make me want to have a nap or just curl up on my own with a book.

I feel a bit like like I've done two steps forward and one step back. I don't have the horribly dark thoughts anymore, which is amazing, but I'm also completely lacking in any sort of lust for life. Everything seems pointless and not worth it. I can't be bothered to do anything and have turned into a bit of a hermit, constantly on my computer as a way to interact with the world.

I'm worried that I'm making things quite hard for Azariah to deal with at the moment. He's still recovering himself, and I think trying to deal with me is quite draining for him and can be stressful. The last thing I want is to make things hard for him, and at the moment I think I'm being a bit clingy wanting to spend all my time with him because that's where I feel safest. I need to give him more space so that he has time to look after himself, and maybe start seeing other people more so I have other people who I feel safe with rather than putting everything on Azariah.

I need something to get up for in the mornings, and things I have to do during the days to give me some structure - that would hopefully help to get my sleeping pattern sorted out and give me some more energy during the day.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Until next time!

Spoons

My parents have asked me to take on a bit of work with their company as someone can no longer do it, and I've done it before. It's not a huge amount.

Today I drove home, which took an hour. Then I went out with my dad to do 1/3 of the work I'll be required to do so he could show me how their new system works. It didn't take long - maybe an hour tops.

I had some lunch at home, and then drove back here - another hour.

I stopped off at the supermarket and bought some food - possibly half an hour.

When I left home I was feeling exhausted and just wanted to cry and go to sleep. As I drove home I managed to distract myself and forget about my feelings. Now I've sat down and rested for a bit, I'm steadily getting lower in mood, energy and motivation. I barely did anything! I don't want to tell my parents that I can't do this work for them, but if I'm doing three times the amount, and on my own so it'll take maybe double the time, I really don't think I'm going to be able to do it. Or I will, but I won't be able to function at all the following day.

Whenever I see my parents it's on a relatively good day depression-wise, or I manage to hide it from them, so they have no idea how bad it is, and if I told them that I couldn't manage I don't think they'd understand. I think they might think I'm just making this up, or being lazy or something.

I can't even get up off the sofa right now. I'm freezing - I could go upstairs and get a jumper, or go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea, but I just can't. I have absolutely no more spoons. Not even to reach over to the other side of the sofa and pull the blanket over me. Moving my hands to type on my laptop is about the extent of what I can do right now, but I just can't tell my parents that I get like this.

Asking for help

Trigger warning for suicidal thought & self harm

Asking for help is very hard.

I thought things were going pretty well 'til I had a really bad episode yesterday, and I didn't know what to do or why to call.

I tried Samaritans, and that helped a bit, in as much as it was helpful to have someone non-judgemental on the end of the line who I could just sob at and was calm throughout and non-judgemental. But I needed so much more than that. I needed someone to hold me and tell me things were ok, that the things my brain was telling me weren't true, that the feeling would pass.

Whichever room I was in, I was very aware of all the things in it that I could use to cause myself damage. I had overwhelming urges just to repeatedly cut, slice & slash my skin open. I retreated to my bed thinking that if I didn't get out of bed then I couldn't hurt myself.

Some people talked to me on facebook, and then later a friend came round to sit with me.

Azariah showed up later, removed the sharps from my room, made me hot milk with baileys and honey in and tucked me into bed. He then told me I wasn't to leave my room except to go to the toilet. After he left I finally managed to get to sleep around 1am.

Azariah has suggested that I set up a support group for when he's not around - maybe something on facebook - which I can post in if I'm in need of help or struggling, and someone could come round.

I feel terrible about the idea that I'd be imposing on people, disrupting their days, that they'd be helping grudgingly or reluctantly because they felt they had to out of obligation, and I'd hate people to feel like that. I don't want anyone to feel obliged to come and spend time with me, that's not a friendship at all.

I'd feel embarrassed about asking for help. Something in me still sees it as a sign of weakness or failure - I should be able to sort my own problems out etc. Logically I can understand the whole 'depression is an illness' thing, but emotionally, I still just think I'm just stupid, pathetic, weak, & worthless & should just get my life together and stop being such a wimpy emotional idiot. Yeah there's still a lot of self-hatred in there.

On the other hand I can see that it's a sensible idea, as Azariah isn't always around, and logically my brain tells me that people wouldn't mind helping me, and they wouldn't offer to if they didn't want to/weren't able to.

I'm just scared. I don't want to need help. I want to be able to fix everything myself.

Communication and the way we're brought up.

The messages we're taught - explicitly, or things we pick up on subconsciously - as a child have a great influence on how we interact with the world when we're older. Growing up as a female I learnt not to raise my voice, not to start or get involved in arguments for fear of what others would do, to let people down gently, not to make people angry or upset, and that whatever the situation was, if you got into an argument with an adult (whether you were right or not) they were right, because they were adults, and were more important than you.

Little girls are called 'bossy' - you don't hear this about boys, because boys are expected to take charge of situations. Boys are expected to be loud, domineering, to get themselves heard, to be more violent (though it's always referred to as boisterous). 

If a boy pushed a girl over, or pulled her hair, people would say he was just being a boy, or that it was obviously because he liked her. Because obviously violence is how people show affection.

Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there. This next bit is my interpretation of some events involving a few of my friends, and I may have got it completely wrong - I can't read minds or intentions, but here's how I see it.

There's been a situation with some of my friends recently, where a female friend had been trying to gently let a male friend down without hurting his feelings. She never explicitly said that she didn't want a relationship with him, she said things like 'I'm not ready for a relationship', 'maybe we can see how things are in six months'.

Now to me, that comes across as 'no, I don't want a relationship with you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings or provoke an argument so I'm trying to let you down gently.'

The guy involved obviously heard this as 'I need a bit of space right now, but some way down the line I'd like to be with you.'

I talked about this situation with Azariah, and he said that because this girl hadn't said no explicitly, it was assumed (and he felt it would be assumed by most people) that this meant that she wanted a relationship of some kind to happen. This really shocked me, because I learnt to avoid confrontations out of fear of what the (generally male) person involved would do. So I'd try say anything possible to avoid an outright no in these kinds of situations, for my own personal safety. The idea that men seem to take anything other than an explicit no as a yes in some form is not only scary, but also shows just how big the gap in the communication methods we learn growing up is.

I'm not sure what else to say at the moment, I know there are lots more thoughts swimming round my head at the moment but they require some more thought to be coherent ideas. 

STD tests

So, Azariah and I went for a standard check-up at a GUM clinic the other day. We were both at the same clinic, at the same time, but had two very different experiences.

I saw a lovely female doctor, who was very approachable, easy to chat to, didn't bat an eyelid to the mention of non-heteronormative partners/sex acts, and explained very clearly what tests were going to be done, how they'd all work, and gave me the option of getting a Hep B vaccination. Then I had all of the oh-so-fun fun tests, which were made so much more easy and comfortable by the fact that the doctor and nurse were both friendly and chatty, talking to me in a completely normal, everyday way. Because looking after sexual health is a normal thing to do.

Azariah went in after me and saw a different doctor. She asked him about previous sexual partners and upon him mentioning that he'd been with man, she said "oh!" in a surprised voice. She also asked if he was "active or passive" - erm, what? Active or passive? I'm assuming she meant giving or receiving, because surely it'd be rather hard to be passive in a sex act... She then asked about other sexual partners, and he mentioned me as his long term partner. When he mentioned I was female, she raised her eyebrow rather judgingly and didn't seem to understand at first. She then said ok (again, in a very surprised way), and asked if I knew about his other encounters. Because obviously she needed to help Azariah in the way the communication in his relationship was run.

He was asked to take his trousers down, and was then left on the bed while she left the room for almost 5 minutes. The nurse had to come in and explain to him what the tests were, as he'd never had these done before and the doctor hadn't said anything. He wasn't offered the vaccine, he was just given it. It was assumed that because he'd been with a man he was obviously now high-risk.

I came out of the clinic really inspired by my doctor, really wanting to go into sexual health or education to help people, whereas Azariah came out feeling judged, sore from tests that didn't need to be painful (he said he felt the doctor was being punishing for having sex she didn't agree with) and not exactly keen to go again.

Also I was given an anonymous feedback sheet from my doctor to fill out about her professional conduct, how well things were explained to me, etc whereas Azariah was not.

I feel so angry that someone so judgemental and unhelpful could work in a sexual health clinic, somewhere where people of all ages might turn up feeling vulnerable, ashamed, scared, and a whole host of other emotions, and hope to be treated with respect by a professional. It's increased my desire to work in sex education in some way, to somehow try and increase the amount ofprofessional, approachable people they encounter, or at least send them to places like this with as much knowledge about what will happen as possible.

Heart attacks and equality

So, we've all seen films or film clips where a man gasps, clutches his left arm, and falls to the floor having a heart attack. I'd imagine none of you have seen this happen to a woman in a film.

How many people know the symptoms of heart attack in a female, or even know that they differ from those in males? Did you know that females generally don't get the pain down one arm or the sudden, excruciating pain on one side of the chest?

Everyone knows about those two male symptoms, and tends to consider them universal, because that's what people get taught as the 'heart attack symptoms', not the 'male heart attack symptoms'.

It's ridiculous that even in a medical /first aid setting, you can show a topless male to point to areas where symptoms occur and to demonstrate CPR, but a topless female? God no! Our eyes might implode, or we'll all be overcome by our libidos and unable to restrain ourselves, because female nudity is inherently sexual, right? FFS.

So many people I've talked to don't realise that there are different symptoms, and I can't recall a single time in my life where I've seen or heard this mentioned (aside from non-mainstream internet sites).

Surely it's time as a society to get rid of this ridiculous idea of nudity of any gender being sexual or erotic - it's just skin filled with muscle, fat, bone and blood. Sure, in a specific context it can be arousing, but just being shown a random unclothed body shouldn't be such a taboo.

Websites ban images of topless females, (but not of topless males, that's fine...) women aren't allowed to be topless in public in much of the world, (whereas men generally are - even in Britain, where there's no law against public nudity, there's a public decency law - it's hurtful that my body can be deemed 'indecent', just because of my genitalia) because apparently a woman's naked body is not only always sexual, but is also immodest, shameful, and should never be seen.

There are so many aspects to the equality battle that have yet to be won, and the sad truth that we will probably still not have gender equality by the time I leave this earth fills me with sadness, anger, and loss of hope in the human race. How do humans constantly mess such simple things up so badly? Our progress seems to constantly be two steps forwards and then one back.

Dizzy

So, I had a bit of cold while I was out in the country of snow. It wasn't too bad, so after a day at home feeling rotten I decided I was we'll enough to go back up the mountain and ski again. This was possibly a mistake. On the gondola up the mountain, my ears didn't pop. Try as I might, with lots of very dainty and elegant *ahem* nose blowing, swallowing, yawning, sucking sweets and massaging the blocked ear passages, nothing worked.

Oh well, what's the worst that could happen? As it turned out, the worst turned out to be being unable to balance while standing still. Oddly enough I was fine while skiing, but as soon as I was stood still the world decided to move around a lot more than it normally does, which was very unhelpful of it.

Eventually it got to the point where I realised that not being able to stand still was not helpful or normal, so I went down the mountain, which made things even worse! My ears didn't pop again on the way down, which built up the pressure so much that I was constantly dizzy and unbalanced. Doing the sensible thing, I went to the pharmacy, explained my predicament, and got some anti-dizziness tablets, which did absolutely nothing!

I waited until the next morning before deciding that I really ought to go to the doctors, as I was due to get on a plane back to The UK later that morning, and the ear thing might get worse with even more altitude.

Well, it turned out I had very low blood pressure, (which Azariah said he should have picked up on, as I was acting rather stupidly and quite like I was tipsy) and my ear canals were blocked due to the pressure change, which affected my balance and gave me vertigo. obviously more altitude would make it worse, so flying that day was now out of the question. The doctor gave me some magical pills, and I went home again. Half an hour after the first tablet, the world was back to normal - it was amazing!

I still had to stay for a couple more days abroad rather than flying back that day, and even now I'm back in the UK there's still a slight ringing in my ears when I yawn or open my mouth wide. Oh well, hopefully that'll go away and sort itself out soon.