Mixed feelings

Trigger warning - suicidal ideation, self harm.

I had a bit of a crappy week. I was on my period, and it was really messing with my hormones. I was crying most days over nothing, and just couldn't function properly some of the days. I went to see the doctor, who actually listened to how I was feeling and what I wanted, and agreed to change me over to a new antidepressant - Sertraline.

I also got a text from Azariah saying that he wanted to see me! That made me so happy, and I was really excited about meeting up with him. We went for a meal and stayed there talking for three and a half hours, just enjoying each others' company, catching up, teasing, laughing, and generally having a good time. I really just wanted to kiss him, and I told him that. He said 'ok', so I asked what he meant - was it ok to kiss him? He said he wasn't sure, so I didn't, but he'd been really warm and friendly all evening - stroking me, holding my hand, and being silly just like we used to. Saying goodbye was horrible because all I wanted to do was kiss him. As soon as I got into my car I broke down into tears over what I'd lost and how much I missed him. I suddenly just didn't feel safe anymore, and didn't want to be alive.

Driving home all I could think about was where and how I could crash so that I'd kill myself but wouldn't hurt anyone else. Fortunately I was in residential areas so that wasn't possible. I got home, and did think about driving out to the motorway to get enough speed up to kill myself, but I managed to get out of the car and go inside.

I texted a friend asking for help, and she helped me to calm down and make myself a warm drink. I tried all sorts of things to stop the feelings of needing to hurt myself - I drew lines on my arm in red pen, I drank a comforting drink, I got ready for bed, but in the end the need to get rid of these feelings outweighed the ability to listen to my healthy mind. I put on sterile latex gloves, sterilised the area, and used a sterile scalpel so that there was no chance of infection. I only cut until I could see the blood, and then did some more cuts - all in nice neat lines, because it seemed important that my scars would be neat. I then cleaned up the blood, and bandaged the cuts up securely. After that everything was calm and my brain was quiet. There was finally peace. I watched a TV show on my laptop, drank a warm drink and went to sleep.

I haven't done this in a long time, and I don't think last night is reflective of my overall mental health. This only seems to happen when I've had contact with A. I hope that at some point we'll be able to enjoy each others' company without this being the after-effect on my mood, but I know that I'm still getting better, and I'm so much better than I was when all this started.