Azariah did what I could never do - he stood up to my parents in a discussion of freedom of speech or words which didn't use to be insults, but now can be used as such. My parents were saying that those who'd grown up in a different generation weren't to blame for saying things that could be considered homophobic or racist, because words have changed their meanings, so it's not their fault and they don't mean anything by it.
Azariah stated that those who considered themselves intelligent should educate themselves on the fluctuating nature of language, or else avoid talking about those topics which could be considered inflammatory.
I was so grateful to him! It's a small start, but my parents have always vehemently refuted the idea that they're homophobic, because my dad 'knew some gay people at school'. The fact that he referred to a gay person last night as 'a gay' had me biting my tongue. I wouldn't say 'I was talking to a straight yesterday...' I'd say 'I was talking to a person', or if their sexual orientation was a point that needed mentioning, I'd say 'I was talking to someone/a person who's straight'...
They just don't seem to be able to see the dehumanisation that their language creates - talking about someone as 'a gay' removes from being a person, distancing yourself from them so that it's easier to cast judgements and insult.
Overall, last night was very tame with regards to conflict or inflammatory remarks because there were guests round, and my parents always do everything to appear open and accepting when in company, but there are always little things I notice that slip through the net.
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Monday 19 November 2012
When you think about it, it's pretty creepy...
What's annoying me recently is people's attitudes about body hair on women. For those who don't know, I just leave mine alone. The argument for women shaving or getting rid of it in some way seems either to be that it seems more hygienic or 'cleaner'. I don't understand why anyone would think this! Pubic hair especially, performs a function similar to the cilia in the nose and eyelashes - it prevents dirt and other particles from entering the body, helping to prevent against infection.
The act of shaving, waxing, or any other form of hair removal removes this protective barrier, leaving you more open to infections. Shaving especially, leaves the skin with tiny cuts all over, which makes it even more likely to become sore or infected. Along with the higher chance of things like ingrown hairs from hair removal, this doesn't exactly help the case for 'hygeine' as the reason we perform these tasks. (Also there's a thing called washing, which you can do no matter how much hair you have...)
Pubic hair is also a signifier to others that you have gone through puberty and are physically mature enough to engage in intercourse and to carry a child. (This has nothing to do with emotional maturity though.) It helps in releasing pheremones which are attractive to mates.
Originally the removal of pubic hair started off in porn in order to get better camera angles and a better view of what was happening. It was something very different and 'out there', which no one in society actually did, it was purely in porn, but has gradually infiltrated society's conciousness as something which is 'natural' and all women should look like.
Leg hair - well it's there to keep us warm when we're cold, and cool us down when we're hot. Underarm hair helps in cooling us down, and also in releasing pheremones.
Removing all of our body hair can not only actualy increase the chances of infection, but also removes the signifiers that we are past puberty. This is similar to the way that wearing high heels imitates the way we look as we're going through puberty - our limbs are longer in comparison to the rest of our bodies, which is a visual signal that we are on our way to physical maturity. It's this infantilisation which unnerves me. Our whole society seems to encourage the idea that women should appear pre-pubescent. Even our language echoes this - while the term 'boy' refers to children, or as a putdown to those considered inferior, women are referred to as girls throughout their lives: grown women engage in 'girl talk', go round to visit the girls, and are encouraged through this language and pressure to conform to pre-pubescent body images, to remain childlike. The implication here is that they are immature, without power, and therefore less than men.
The idea that women are only sexually appealing when they look like children, well that's just damn creepy.
The act of shaving, waxing, or any other form of hair removal removes this protective barrier, leaving you more open to infections. Shaving especially, leaves the skin with tiny cuts all over, which makes it even more likely to become sore or infected. Along with the higher chance of things like ingrown hairs from hair removal, this doesn't exactly help the case for 'hygeine' as the reason we perform these tasks. (Also there's a thing called washing, which you can do no matter how much hair you have...)
Pubic hair is also a signifier to others that you have gone through puberty and are physically mature enough to engage in intercourse and to carry a child. (This has nothing to do with emotional maturity though.) It helps in releasing pheremones which are attractive to mates.
Originally the removal of pubic hair started off in porn in order to get better camera angles and a better view of what was happening. It was something very different and 'out there', which no one in society actually did, it was purely in porn, but has gradually infiltrated society's conciousness as something which is 'natural' and all women should look like.
Leg hair - well it's there to keep us warm when we're cold, and cool us down when we're hot. Underarm hair helps in cooling us down, and also in releasing pheremones.
Removing all of our body hair can not only actualy increase the chances of infection, but also removes the signifiers that we are past puberty. This is similar to the way that wearing high heels imitates the way we look as we're going through puberty - our limbs are longer in comparison to the rest of our bodies, which is a visual signal that we are on our way to physical maturity. It's this infantilisation which unnerves me. Our whole society seems to encourage the idea that women should appear pre-pubescent. Even our language echoes this - while the term 'boy' refers to children, or as a putdown to those considered inferior, women are referred to as girls throughout their lives: grown women engage in 'girl talk', go round to visit the girls, and are encouraged through this language and pressure to conform to pre-pubescent body images, to remain childlike. The implication here is that they are immature, without power, and therefore less than men.
The idea that women are only sexually appealing when they look like children, well that's just damn creepy.
Sunday 18 November 2012
Does this make me a bad person?
Ok, so I know lots of kinky folk, and the questions that seems to pop up with all of them at some point in their journey of self-discovery, is 'Why do I like this? Am I normal? Am I unhealthy for liking this? What if the reason I like this is rooted in something crazy, sick or makes me a bad person?'
And you know what? I think if you didn't ask yourself those questions at some point, then there might be something to worry about. If you like hurting people, or being hurt, it's normal to ask yourself if it's ok.
I asked myself those questions when I was first starting out, and after thinking up lots of 'reasons' why I might like what I like. I finally came to the conclusion that as long as it's not causing me or my partners any harm, and we're both enjoying it, then it doesn't matter where my kinks stem from. It doesn't have to come from a place of purity etc to be ok, as long as it doesn't harm you.
So I guess I just want to say, to all those people who are questioning why they enjoy something, breathe. It's ok. That fact that you're worrying about it is good, and shows you're a decent person. And as long as you're not harming yourself or your partner (and btw there's a difference between hurt and harm) then you don't need to worry. You and your partner's enjoyment is what matters.
And you know what? I think if you didn't ask yourself those questions at some point, then there might be something to worry about. If you like hurting people, or being hurt, it's normal to ask yourself if it's ok.
I asked myself those questions when I was first starting out, and after thinking up lots of 'reasons' why I might like what I like. I finally came to the conclusion that as long as it's not causing me or my partners any harm, and we're both enjoying it, then it doesn't matter where my kinks stem from. It doesn't have to come from a place of purity etc to be ok, as long as it doesn't harm you.
So I guess I just want to say, to all those people who are questioning why they enjoy something, breathe. It's ok. That fact that you're worrying about it is good, and shows you're a decent person. And as long as you're not harming yourself or your partner (and btw there's a difference between hurt and harm) then you don't need to worry. You and your partner's enjoyment is what matters.
Guys should talk about sex more. No seriously...
So, women had this whole 'sexual liberation' thing - we have shops like Ann Summers everywhere convincing us that sex is ok, that we're allowed to be horny, and even to pleasure ourselves. That masturbation is ok, & there are even toys to help us make it feel even better. Yes, a lot of it is packaged up in a "it's sexy for the men if you do it in front of them", and there's still a huge amount of pressure from society telling us completely the opposite - that it's wrong, shameful, that women aren't sexual creatures, that women don't feel horny but it's ok for men to be turned on, etc etc.
But for the most part, the idea that women can and do use sex toys is accepted in a fair amount of society, even if it's still not something that some people want to admit.
But for males? When you talk about men using sex toys, people tend to thing of them as weird, freaks, perverts, creepy, or desperate. You don't hear men talking about an amazing new sex toy they've found that they love, or even acknowledging the existence of masturbatory aids apart from their own hands. Guys in general don't discuss intimate details of their sex lives with their friends beyond a 'yeah, we had sex and it was hot' type conversation, and it's such a shame! Despite all of the ways society tries to control and repress women's sexuality, it's at least accepted that we talk about it, and discuss intimate details and share tips with each other - hell, there've been entire TV series' dedicated to just this premise!
There are so many negative ways that women's sexuality is controlled, but beyond the idea that men are permanently turned on sex-machines that would have sex with anything, to the point that they can't even control their own desires enough not to rape someone if they're attractive/wearing certain clothes etc, there is no discussion about men's sexuality. It's kept under wraps, as something that is so over-sexualised, but never mentioned as more than a fact that they're turned on all the time, or masturbate frequently.
I'd love men to start talking more openly about their sex lives - about what works for them and doesn't, about things they enjoy, about sex toys they like. I think it'd make people more aware that male sexuality isn't a 'one size fits all' thing - every one is different, everyone has different turn-ons. There's no Cosmo-type solution of 'how to turn your man on' or 'how to make him orgasm'. You need to discuss and find out how to help this particular man achieve orgasm, or to enjoy a sexual experience. What works for one person is completely different to what works for another.
I remember one of the first times I had my hands on a guy's cock. I'd read in Cosmo that a thing that all men liked was having their balls played with. So I moved my hands to his balls to play with them. He didn't tell me that that didn't work for him, or that he'd prefer me to touch him somewhere else, he just moved my hands. And being young and not realising that he hadn't liked it, I moved them back, thinking 'why would he move my hands away from there? Men like that!' Ok, so part of this was my youth and complete lack of reading this body language as a 'actually I don't want your hands there', but also the complete lack of communication, because 'men don't talk about sex'.
So guys, if you find something that seems 'abnormal' that turns you on, talk about it! Silence around sex can lead to all sorts of assumptions about what's 'normal', which are really unhelpful. I'm pretty sure you'll find that it's a lot more normal than you thought it was.
And hell, if you find a sex toy that just makes your toes curl and turns your legs to jelly when you use it, just use it! The idea that using it makes you creepy or desperate or perverted is outdated, and is only denying you pleasure!
But for the most part, the idea that women can and do use sex toys is accepted in a fair amount of society, even if it's still not something that some people want to admit.
But for males? When you talk about men using sex toys, people tend to thing of them as weird, freaks, perverts, creepy, or desperate. You don't hear men talking about an amazing new sex toy they've found that they love, or even acknowledging the existence of masturbatory aids apart from their own hands. Guys in general don't discuss intimate details of their sex lives with their friends beyond a 'yeah, we had sex and it was hot' type conversation, and it's such a shame! Despite all of the ways society tries to control and repress women's sexuality, it's at least accepted that we talk about it, and discuss intimate details and share tips with each other - hell, there've been entire TV series' dedicated to just this premise!
There are so many negative ways that women's sexuality is controlled, but beyond the idea that men are permanently turned on sex-machines that would have sex with anything, to the point that they can't even control their own desires enough not to rape someone if they're attractive/wearing certain clothes etc, there is no discussion about men's sexuality. It's kept under wraps, as something that is so over-sexualised, but never mentioned as more than a fact that they're turned on all the time, or masturbate frequently.
I'd love men to start talking more openly about their sex lives - about what works for them and doesn't, about things they enjoy, about sex toys they like. I think it'd make people more aware that male sexuality isn't a 'one size fits all' thing - every one is different, everyone has different turn-ons. There's no Cosmo-type solution of 'how to turn your man on' or 'how to make him orgasm'. You need to discuss and find out how to help this particular man achieve orgasm, or to enjoy a sexual experience. What works for one person is completely different to what works for another.
I remember one of the first times I had my hands on a guy's cock. I'd read in Cosmo that a thing that all men liked was having their balls played with. So I moved my hands to his balls to play with them. He didn't tell me that that didn't work for him, or that he'd prefer me to touch him somewhere else, he just moved my hands. And being young and not realising that he hadn't liked it, I moved them back, thinking 'why would he move my hands away from there? Men like that!' Ok, so part of this was my youth and complete lack of reading this body language as a 'actually I don't want your hands there', but also the complete lack of communication, because 'men don't talk about sex'.
So guys, if you find something that seems 'abnormal' that turns you on, talk about it! Silence around sex can lead to all sorts of assumptions about what's 'normal', which are really unhelpful. I'm pretty sure you'll find that it's a lot more normal than you thought it was.
And hell, if you find a sex toy that just makes your toes curl and turns your legs to jelly when you use it, just use it! The idea that using it makes you creepy or desperate or perverted is outdated, and is only denying you pleasure!
Tuesday 13 November 2012
A rather fun evening =P
If you don't want to read about hot guy-on guy action, three-way kisses and generally hot, yummy stuff, don't read this post!
Last night was fucking hot. =P
Azariah and I went over to a friend of mine's house. Hmm, he can be called Isaac. He cooked us dinner, we chatted and drank wine, and played around a little bit with kink stuff. Azariah and I both switch, but Isaac is a Dom. We played around with knives, and there was some wrestling, hair-pulling, neck-biting and laughing. At one point Isaac put a knife up to Azariah's throat (which really turns him on) and got so close to his lips that Azariah was whimpering and straining to kiss him, but Isaac just turned and walked away, leaving him very frustrated. He told me later that he really wanted to kiss Isaac, because he hadn't been allowed to, and that was mean! =P
I told Isaac this later on, and he said that he'd see what happened...
Around midnight, and we all headed up to bed, as Isaac had to get up at 6am for work. We all lay there, limbs draped over each other in a sleepy, warm, haze, all snuggled up to each other. As we lay there, me in the middle, and Isaac and Azariah either side of me, they started stroking and scratching each others' backs. I was slowly drifting to sleep listening to their little intakes of breath, gasps and moans as they played with each other. I turned onto my back and watched them both, gently scratching both of them while they whimpered and groaned in pleasure.
Isaac grabbed Azariah's head and pulled him close and they started making out on top of me. The little moans and whimpers coming from Azariah (who'd wanted to kiss Isaac all night since the playing with knives had happened) were soo hot and watching the two of them together made me so wet!
There was hair-pulling, neck-biting, and lots and lots of yummyness as the two of them made out over me, right in front of my face. Then they moved closer to me, and all three of us were kissing, our tongues mingling in each others' mouth, not always quite sure whose was whose. It was amazing =P
It got to the point where I had no idea whose limbs were whose as everyone was stroking, scratching and generally doing very yummy things to each other =P
Gradually the attention turned to me, as I'd been in the middle just watching (quite contentedly!) for a little while. Isaac and Azariah were both sucking on my nipples, playing with my breasts, biting my neck and running their hands up and down my body. I had hands and tongues, lips, teeth and nails all over my body, sending shivers and tingles of pleasure through me, and two hot guys making out and turning each other on above me - it was a rather exquisite form of torture, which went on for quite a long time. =P They teased me mercilessly and were very mean - they got me desperately turned on, until I finally said "can't we all just fuck, please?" Isaac laughed, and said no, because he had to get up early, and it'd give us something to look forward to for next time, which I thought was very unfair! This went on for quite a long time... not that I'm complaining! ;)
Finally we all decided we were actually tired now, and were really going to sleep this time. I got up out of bed to go to the bathroom and almost fell over because my legs were so shaky! I could barely stand up, but managed to get there using the wall to keep me upright. I overheard the two of them talking about me, sharing little tricks they knew to turn me on or make certain reactions happen.
When I came back, Azariah was cuddled up to Isaac in the most adorable way ever, so I tucked myself in behind him and we gradually drifted off to sleep, contented, and with warm limbs draped over each other.
Early in the morning I heard Isaac get up to leave for work. I got out of bed and stretched, and went to use the bathroom. When I returned, I got a long lingering kiss from Isaac to say goodbye. I crawled back into bed behind Azariah, and Isaac went around the other side and gave him a goodbye kiss as well. After he'd left, Azariah turned to me sleepily, and said happily, "I got a kiss!" He seemed so pleased with himself, it was adorable!
I gave him a kiss, and we snuggled up and went back to sleep until a more reasonable time in the morning.
Last night was fucking hot. =P
Azariah and I went over to a friend of mine's house. Hmm, he can be called Isaac. He cooked us dinner, we chatted and drank wine, and played around a little bit with kink stuff. Azariah and I both switch, but Isaac is a Dom. We played around with knives, and there was some wrestling, hair-pulling, neck-biting and laughing. At one point Isaac put a knife up to Azariah's throat (which really turns him on) and got so close to his lips that Azariah was whimpering and straining to kiss him, but Isaac just turned and walked away, leaving him very frustrated. He told me later that he really wanted to kiss Isaac, because he hadn't been allowed to, and that was mean! =P
I told Isaac this later on, and he said that he'd see what happened...
Around midnight, and we all headed up to bed, as Isaac had to get up at 6am for work. We all lay there, limbs draped over each other in a sleepy, warm, haze, all snuggled up to each other. As we lay there, me in the middle, and Isaac and Azariah either side of me, they started stroking and scratching each others' backs. I was slowly drifting to sleep listening to their little intakes of breath, gasps and moans as they played with each other. I turned onto my back and watched them both, gently scratching both of them while they whimpered and groaned in pleasure.
Isaac grabbed Azariah's head and pulled him close and they started making out on top of me. The little moans and whimpers coming from Azariah (who'd wanted to kiss Isaac all night since the playing with knives had happened) were soo hot and watching the two of them together made me so wet!
There was hair-pulling, neck-biting, and lots and lots of yummyness as the two of them made out over me, right in front of my face. Then they moved closer to me, and all three of us were kissing, our tongues mingling in each others' mouth, not always quite sure whose was whose. It was amazing =P
It got to the point where I had no idea whose limbs were whose as everyone was stroking, scratching and generally doing very yummy things to each other =P
Gradually the attention turned to me, as I'd been in the middle just watching (quite contentedly!) for a little while. Isaac and Azariah were both sucking on my nipples, playing with my breasts, biting my neck and running their hands up and down my body. I had hands and tongues, lips, teeth and nails all over my body, sending shivers and tingles of pleasure through me, and two hot guys making out and turning each other on above me - it was a rather exquisite form of torture, which went on for quite a long time. =P They teased me mercilessly and were very mean - they got me desperately turned on, until I finally said "can't we all just fuck, please?" Isaac laughed, and said no, because he had to get up early, and it'd give us something to look forward to for next time, which I thought was very unfair! This went on for quite a long time... not that I'm complaining! ;)
Finally we all decided we were actually tired now, and were really going to sleep this time. I got up out of bed to go to the bathroom and almost fell over because my legs were so shaky! I could barely stand up, but managed to get there using the wall to keep me upright. I overheard the two of them talking about me, sharing little tricks they knew to turn me on or make certain reactions happen.
When I came back, Azariah was cuddled up to Isaac in the most adorable way ever, so I tucked myself in behind him and we gradually drifted off to sleep, contented, and with warm limbs draped over each other.
Early in the morning I heard Isaac get up to leave for work. I got out of bed and stretched, and went to use the bathroom. When I returned, I got a long lingering kiss from Isaac to say goodbye. I crawled back into bed behind Azariah, and Isaac went around the other side and gave him a goodbye kiss as well. After he'd left, Azariah turned to me sleepily, and said happily, "I got a kiss!" He seemed so pleased with himself, it was adorable!
I gave him a kiss, and we snuggled up and went back to sleep until a more reasonable time in the morning.
Recovery
Y'know what? I'm starting to enjoy life again! Slowly but surely, things seem to be starting to get better! =D I don't know if this is because the depression is lifting, or the tablets are starting to kick in, or just that I've spent time with people I love doing things that make me happy, but either way, I've enjoyed the last couple of days =)
Yes there are still times when I feel the black cloud coming down and I just want to curl up and cry, but it's not as severe as it has been in the past, and doesn't seem to last as long. I realise that there will be really tough times while I'm getting better where it feels like I'm getting worse again, but that's just the way the progress goes. Today at least, I feel good, and hopefully on my bad days I can look back at this and remember that overall, things are improving. =)
Looking hopefully towards a happier future =)
Yes there are still times when I feel the black cloud coming down and I just want to curl up and cry, but it's not as severe as it has been in the past, and doesn't seem to last as long. I realise that there will be really tough times while I'm getting better where it feels like I'm getting worse again, but that's just the way the progress goes. Today at least, I feel good, and hopefully on my bad days I can look back at this and remember that overall, things are improving. =)
Looking hopefully towards a happier future =)
Sunday 11 November 2012
Love is not an obligation
Love shouldn't be something you give to someone only to get something back. I hate it when people say 'I love you' to me, and are obviously expecting me to say it back, because they said it. That's not how love works. When I tell someone I love them, that's all it mean.
"It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a person." - Joss Whedon
And that doesn't mean that you need to love me. You shouldn't need to feel awkward if you don't. If I tell you I love you, just smile, or say thank you, or just carry on chatting about something else. I won't feel awkward.
I realise I've been guilty of this in the past. Occasionally I've said "I love you" and waited to hear those words in response. I'm sorry to the people I've done this to, for making them feel awkward, or possibly pressured into saying something they didn't feel like saying at the time.
When I tell Azariah I love him, a lot of the time he just smiles and says 'I know', and I like that. I'd like to feel more comfortable doing that myself as well.
I don't necessarily just mean romantic love either. I love a lot of my friends, but I know some people might find it awkward or confused if I told them this. In this society, people don't generally tell their friends that they love them, except in that drunken 'I love you guys!' sort of way.
Well I met a wonderful girl in hospital. We only knew each other for a few days, but we went through a lot together, and as we'd both been through similar situations with our depression we bonded quite quickly. When I left, we hugged a lot, and kissed on the lips, and I can honestly say that I love her. I have seen her at her weakest moments, and seen her strength and kindness. But I didn't feel that I could tell her I loved her in case it made her uncomfortable.
I wish love between friends were less taboo.
"It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a person." - Joss Whedon
And that doesn't mean that you need to love me. You shouldn't need to feel awkward if you don't. If I tell you I love you, just smile, or say thank you, or just carry on chatting about something else. I won't feel awkward.
I realise I've been guilty of this in the past. Occasionally I've said "I love you" and waited to hear those words in response. I'm sorry to the people I've done this to, for making them feel awkward, or possibly pressured into saying something they didn't feel like saying at the time.
When I tell Azariah I love him, a lot of the time he just smiles and says 'I know', and I like that. I'd like to feel more comfortable doing that myself as well.
I don't necessarily just mean romantic love either. I love a lot of my friends, but I know some people might find it awkward or confused if I told them this. In this society, people don't generally tell their friends that they love them, except in that drunken 'I love you guys!' sort of way.
Well I met a wonderful girl in hospital. We only knew each other for a few days, but we went through a lot together, and as we'd both been through similar situations with our depression we bonded quite quickly. When I left, we hugged a lot, and kissed on the lips, and I can honestly say that I love her. I have seen her at her weakest moments, and seen her strength and kindness. But I didn't feel that I could tell her I loved her in case it made her uncomfortable.
I wish love between friends were less taboo.
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