So I'm going into hospital for a couple of weeks.
I had a really bad week last week in terms of depression, and went to the Doctor to ask about changing my tablets. The thing is, because of the dosage I'm on and the way the drugs work, I'd first need to lower my dosage on my current pills, leave it for a few days to allow my brain to settle to that, then add the new drugs, then leave it a few days, then get rid of the current ones completely.
All of this could play havoc with my mind and potentially make me worse while my brain and body gets used to the new medication, so I'm going to go into hospital for a couple of weeks while they do this. This will allow them to monitor my progress, keep a close eye on any weird side effects and generally just keep me safe from my crazy brain while it's going a bit loopy.
Logically I know that this is good news - I'll be well looked after, won't need to do anything, and it should help speed up my recovery in the long term as I'll be able to have counselling almost every day rather than once a week, and should be on drugs better suited to my brain.
Emotionally, I'm a bit scared. I'm worried that being in hospital on my own will make me feel lonely and therefore more down. When I'm feeling down I forget that I have friends who wouldn't mind coming to see me. I get into a 'who would want to be with me when I'm like this?' state of mind.
I'm also worried about getting behind with uni work. It'd mean missing a couple of lectures, and though I've tried telling myself that I could do work while I'm in hospital, I'm doubt I'll be able to in the state I'll be in. I'm not able to cope with it now, on a relatively 'good' day. I really hope the new tablets help, because if I carry on like this I'm not sure I'll be able to finish my course, and I really want to be able to! Also my parents paid for it, and I'd feel terrible for wasting their money if I had to drop out.
Also, probably stupidly, I'm worried what people will think. There's still rather a big stigma around mental health, and it's really not all that understood. I'm worried that people will look down on me, or see me as something less because I can't cope with life. I guess I'm still struggling to acknowledge that this is an illness rather than me being pathetic and stupid and unable to cope with everyday life like 'normal' people. I don't want people to see me as 'that person who had to admit herself because she couldn't look after herself'.
I'm just scared generally. I don't want to lose friends, I don't want to be judged, and I don't want to have to stop my course, but at the moment it's looking like I might have to.
What I'm most scared of though, is that I'm losing a sense of myself. I feel like I'm losing who I am. Like in some of my more depressed states, I have no feelings, no emotions, no thoughts anymore. That I'm just this shell that looks like a person with nothing inside.
No matter how many times people tell me that of course they won't lose interest, I can't quite make myself believe it. I still have a little voice saying 'but who'd want to be friends with you when you're like this?' After all, no one would want to be friends with someone with no personality, right?
Friday 19 October 2012
Doing away with labels
In the past I’ve defined myself as heteroflexible, bisexual, and
pansexual, but none of them ever really seemed right. They didn't fit properly. None of them
seemed quite ‘me’.
I’ve also definied as polyamorous. I certainly agree with the notion that love shouldn’t be restricted to one person in your life, and am happy when a partner talks about their crushes. But I don’t feel ‘polyamorous’. No, I’m definitely not monogamous. At the moment I’m only in a romantic relationship with Azariah. I’m not looking for anything else, but am not closed to the possibilty of finding someone I click with for any sort of relationship. I also really hope Azariah gets together with someone else he’s been crushing on for a while - it'd be so cute.
So I’m doing away with labels. I’m not polyamorous, or bisexual, or pansexual, or heteroflexible. I’m me.
I’ve also definied as polyamorous. I certainly agree with the notion that love shouldn’t be restricted to one person in your life, and am happy when a partner talks about their crushes. But I don’t feel ‘polyamorous’. No, I’m definitely not monogamous. At the moment I’m only in a romantic relationship with Azariah. I’m not looking for anything else, but am not closed to the possibilty of finding someone I click with for any sort of relationship. I also really hope Azariah gets together with someone else he’s been crushing on for a while - it'd be so cute.
So I’m doing away with labels. I’m not polyamorous, or bisexual, or pansexual, or heteroflexible. I’m me.
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Cold toes and procrastination
I can't find my fluffy slippers. My toes are cold.
Also I know I'm meant to be doing work but in fact I'm messing about on facebook, tumblr, emails and blogspot trying to pretend that because I'm on the computer it's sort of like working... *ahem* I mean, I have to do typing for uni, and I'm typing now - just not quite the same things. But it's halfway there, right? =P
Also I know I'm meant to be doing work but in fact I'm messing about on facebook, tumblr, emails and blogspot trying to pretend that because I'm on the computer it's sort of like working... *ahem* I mean, I have to do typing for uni, and I'm typing now - just not quite the same things. But it's halfway there, right? =P
Monday 8 October 2012
Terror
Trigger warning: self harm
I want to slice deep into my forearm and watch the blood seeping out. I want to watch the life force drain away until there's nothing left. I want to stab and slash and slice and cut myself up. Dear god I need help.
These thoughts keep going round and round my head and I'm fucking terrified. I have people coming round to look after me. Thank god for friends.
Sunday 7 October 2012
Pathetic.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean seriously, I've just been sat on my computer looking at tumblr and facebook, and then suddenly these deep gut-wrenching sobs came out! Now I keep crying intermittently every minute or so, and I have no reason why! I feel so pathetic and stupid - there are people far worse off than me and I'm sat here pathetically bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason. I just can't cope anymore. I want a hug. I want the world to just go away for a bit. I want to be asleep so I don't have to deal with this. I want cuddles, I want to be left alone. I want to cry my eyes out, yet I feel so pathetic and stupid when I do. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's wrong with me. Fuck you depression, I hate you. I just want to cry.
Friday 5 October 2012
No internet but some kinky fun =)
I've been without internet for aaaages! I moved into my new house on 1st September, and it's not being installed until the end of October! I'm having to use my phone for everything, which is a little frustrating!
Yesterday I did some life modelling for an art tutor who wanted to build up his portfolio of charcoal drawings. Last time I modelled for him we chatted and I mentioned the fetish society at Uni which I used to run, so this time he asked if I could bring a few kinky things for him to draw to make the pictures a little bit different. It was quite fun and actually rather relaxing. After tying my own legs together with a corset tie, I just sat still for 25 minutes letting my mind wander and thinking about all sorts of things. We did 4 other poses - some with bodage tape, some with heels and a corset, some with a collar and lead, and some with a gag. Most of them (even the positions that were difficult to hold) allowed me to just let my mind drift, only concentrating on keeping my body in the same position.
We did this for 2 hours, until I had to go home.
Later I headed to the first fetish society meeting of term. I wasn't sure about going last night, but I ended up having lots of fun.
Because I already had a lot of my gear in my car I took it inside with me and laid it out for people to look at and try out. I taught a few people how to do basic rope ties, and 2 people asked if I could use my crop on them to see what it felt like. I gave them a gentle warm-up, checking how it felt for them the whole time and gradually increasing the force (and part way through the first person I realised we hadn't exchanged names, so I said 'oh, by the way, my name's Electra...' and he laughed and told me his name too).
After the cropping, I asked a friend of mine if he'd tie me up in some way that was secure and restrictive, which was exactly what I got.
He secured my right arm under my left breast, my left arm down by my hip, and then secured them both in tightly with a chest harness, pulling the rope tightly with each new wrap. He then sat me on a chair and placed a rope gently around the front of my neck. As we chatted he gently pulled on the rope, dragging it across the front of my throat, making my head go all floaty. He carried on doing this, pulling it tight and letting it loosen up, dragging it across my throat, each movement making it harder to concentrate on what I was saying and making me feel light-headed and floaty and happy.
He also teased me by tilting my chair backwards which made me panic and squirm but being unable to do anything about it. By the end of the session I was so floaty and spacey I was unable to speak - nodding and giving a thumbs up was about all I could manage.
It's a while since I've been in subspace like that, it was wonderful, and made me very happy, although I forgot what it did to me and in that state wasn't able to communicate with him that everything was fine (apart from grinning inanely and nodding when he asked me).
Depending on what sort of play I've done, sometimes I want to be left alone, sometimes I want cuddles and chocolate, and sometimes I want a blanket or just to curl up for a bit. Once I'm in that space though it's very difficult to actually tell people any of this. So the negotiating of safewords, what we wanted to do etc was all fine and responsible, I just need to remember to tell people what I get like if I'm spacey and that me not speaking is ok!
Yesterday I did some life modelling for an art tutor who wanted to build up his portfolio of charcoal drawings. Last time I modelled for him we chatted and I mentioned the fetish society at Uni which I used to run, so this time he asked if I could bring a few kinky things for him to draw to make the pictures a little bit different. It was quite fun and actually rather relaxing. After tying my own legs together with a corset tie, I just sat still for 25 minutes letting my mind wander and thinking about all sorts of things. We did 4 other poses - some with bodage tape, some with heels and a corset, some with a collar and lead, and some with a gag. Most of them (even the positions that were difficult to hold) allowed me to just let my mind drift, only concentrating on keeping my body in the same position.
We did this for 2 hours, until I had to go home.
Later I headed to the first fetish society meeting of term. I wasn't sure about going last night, but I ended up having lots of fun.
Because I already had a lot of my gear in my car I took it inside with me and laid it out for people to look at and try out. I taught a few people how to do basic rope ties, and 2 people asked if I could use my crop on them to see what it felt like. I gave them a gentle warm-up, checking how it felt for them the whole time and gradually increasing the force (and part way through the first person I realised we hadn't exchanged names, so I said 'oh, by the way, my name's Electra...' and he laughed and told me his name too).
After the cropping, I asked a friend of mine if he'd tie me up in some way that was secure and restrictive, which was exactly what I got.
He secured my right arm under my left breast, my left arm down by my hip, and then secured them both in tightly with a chest harness, pulling the rope tightly with each new wrap. He then sat me on a chair and placed a rope gently around the front of my neck. As we chatted he gently pulled on the rope, dragging it across the front of my throat, making my head go all floaty. He carried on doing this, pulling it tight and letting it loosen up, dragging it across my throat, each movement making it harder to concentrate on what I was saying and making me feel light-headed and floaty and happy.
He also teased me by tilting my chair backwards which made me panic and squirm but being unable to do anything about it. By the end of the session I was so floaty and spacey I was unable to speak - nodding and giving a thumbs up was about all I could manage.
It's a while since I've been in subspace like that, it was wonderful, and made me very happy, although I forgot what it did to me and in that state wasn't able to communicate with him that everything was fine (apart from grinning inanely and nodding when he asked me).
Depending on what sort of play I've done, sometimes I want to be left alone, sometimes I want cuddles and chocolate, and sometimes I want a blanket or just to curl up for a bit. Once I'm in that space though it's very difficult to actually tell people any of this. So the negotiating of safewords, what we wanted to do etc was all fine and responsible, I just need to remember to tell people what I get like if I'm spacey and that me not speaking is ok!
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