So, Jacques came over today. We were having a lovely time - we'd watched TV episodes, eaten food, and then we started playing a bit. It was lots of fun, until my brain decided to remind me of Azariah and I was rather overwhelmed with feelings.
I put my hand up and asked J to hang on a minute. He asked if I was ok, and I shook my head. He immediately jumped off me, sat down beside me and just held me while I cried. There was no pressure to explain anything - he was so lovely and understanding. He told me that I should know that it was always ok to stop if I was feeling bad, (or for any reason) and it was equally fine not to start anything.
I surprised myself by being pleasantly surprised at his reaction. I still don't expect people to actually stop like that when I ask them them to - I expect them to slow down, to stop but stay where they are waiting for us to be able to carry on, or other alternatives that aren't simply stopping.
I was shocked at how internalised societal ideas can become - I'd internalised the idea that my 'no' will not be listened to first time, that I will have to repeat it, be forceful, or make excuses. Outside a relationship, it still surprises me when people care about me more than whether or not they'll get laid. When men especially don't have that as their number one priority.
Hooray for the patriarchy!
Rape culture teaches us that women are to blame if we get raped, for 'leading men on', wearing clothing that mean we're 'asking for it', for being alone at night, for saying yes to something else but not to sex, for being drunk, etc etc. This list goes on. This assumes that all men's default status is rapist. That they have no control over their actions, and that their sole aim in any encounter is to have sex, whether the woman is consenting or not. This does not give them any credit for, y'know, being human beings rather than robots. For having feelings, a conscience, empathy, etc.
I'm so glad that the friends I have are able to prove society wrong. I'm lucky to have such lovely people in my life.
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